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For most of my life whether it’s an emotional pain or physical pain I have not allowed myself the adequate time to rest and heal the way I needed to. Mostly on the emotional aspect, I ran from most of the pain I encountered. I never truly allowed myself to take the time to sort out or work through the gut wrenching pain I had encountered. I felt that if I dealt with the things that cut me to the core then I wouldn’t be strong. That if I actually felt, that it would put me in a depression for days and I wouldn’t know how to come out of it. I felt that if I actually felt the disappointment, rejection and abandonment in my life then I would feel like an outcast, damaged and unwanted.

But as the years progressed and the more dysfunction and hurt I encountered, the more I ran from whom I was create to be. The more I ran from my emotions the further I was from the truth and the more numb I became. The further I ran, the harder it was to climb out of the spiritual grave I quickly placed myself in. Reaching, praying, pleading that someone would notice me. Notice that there was a hurting, sad little girl inside of me that had run from so many devastating losses over the years.  A little girl that just needed to be held, loved on and embraced. A wounded girl named Alison that didn’t need to be judged, but needed to be loved.

With all the running I had done with the emotional roller coasters in my life,  and as I walk through the physical pain of my health, the ongoing pain of my recent shoulder surgery, and even looking back on the emotional pain of my miscarriage, It had hit point blank in the face that I could no longer run. I couldn’t run to drugs, like I had done in the past. I couldn’t run to another human because more often than not my life seems “too complicated” for them. I couldn’t run to another state because my pain would go with me wherever I went.  I couldn’t push the feelings of sadness, loneliness, rejection, and feeling sorry for myself  to the bottom of my soul any longer because they would ALWAYS resurface. I couldn’t flee, I couldn’t run.  God had a different plan.. You see when you run for so long you don’t allow yourself to walk through the more difficult situations in life thus you don’t have the tools you need to dig your self out of the ditch. Knowing Gods promises and His truths I knew God wanted more for me. I knew He wanted an abundant life for me. I knew He wanted me to experience His love and AMAZING GRACE in deeper, more profound ways. I knew God allowed physical pain in my life so that I could no longer run, I had no other options. I can only trust God, I can only trust him to help me walk through, not even speed walk, but patiently walk through all the traumas in my life so I could lift my head high and with confidence run into freedom.

Henri Nouwen, one of my favorite writers has a book called The Wounded Healer.. In that book he talks about wounds that we encounter in life and how much they hurt when they are an open sores. He describes that when we go through healing and we allow ourselves to properly heal, that the wound will soon become a scar. We will always know it happened but the pain of the open wound will no longer sting. Then it is from that wound we can go and minister to others. That we can share our testimonies of the power of God and how He redeemed what satan meant for harm into something so far beyond glorious. When we nurture and take care of our wounds, they eventually will heal and scar. We are then able to say look at what my God has done..

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I am revived, resurrected and glorified as I feel the love and presence of my Abba father because I know that no matter how deep the ditch, no matter how high the flame of the fire is. No matter how much I feel like I can’t take another breath, God says. HERE I AM and I will catch you, rescue u and carry you through. Nothing is too big or too small for the almighty God. He says how wide, how long how deep is my love for you? He says do you trust me to carry you through? Do you trust me lead you into deeper waters? Do you trust me to take what satan meant for harm,to kill, steal and destroy and allow it to be used to bring others into the light, hope and life of me? How far are you willing to go? How much of yourself are you willing to sacrifice for me so that I can use you as my vessel? Jesus paid the ultimate price. He suffered great pain.  As much as I can feel sorry for myself I am am reminded of this truth. If Christ was willing to sacrifice himself, why can’t I? Why can’t you? He promises not to give us more than we can handle, He promises never to leave nor forsake us. He promises to lavish us with his love and He promises us healing and freedom. No matter what I am facing, no matter how much pain I had, have or will encounter, I know nothing is impossible with God by my side. That and that alone is the only truth that carries me through..