Often times when trekking through the disappointments, hurts, pains, grief or a tsunami storm, the Christian blanket answer that most people give to a hurting soul is, “Wow, God must have something amazing for you.” To be honest, I have given that statement, comment, whatever you may want to call it in the past. However, something about these words doesn’t sit right with me and when someone speaks these words to me, I honestly want to vomit. Why? Because what if what I am walking through is the more? What if the more is the ongoing battle of being stripped and purified more into His likeness? What if the more is relinquishing the control, pride, anxiety, bitterness, jealousy, envy and the list can go on. What if the more is being in a posture of complete surrender, having a heart of pure joy and a peace that surpasses all understanding? What if the more is not a better job, a better marriage, a nicer home, or an easier life? What if the more was simply meeting Jesus at your well, on the ground in despair, looking at Him face to face? What if the more was just Jesus and Jesus alone? Would that be enough?
These are the questions I have pondered as the ongoing slew of blanket Christian comments came knocking at my door as I was hit with another “turn my world upside down” event in life. I was getting so sick and tired of the, “God must have something amazing for you. God gives His greatest battles to His greatest soldiers. Wow, God has something up His sleeve for you. There has to be a great ministry ahead of you if you are going through all this.” Don’t get me wrong, I know these words are well meaning and most of the time come out of a sincere place, but what if the more is about launching into the deep within Christ? Can you be content in that?
One might ask why? Why do these comments annoy you and get under your skin? Why can you not hold onto the hope of more? Well, here is my answer. Because that is not what God promises us. He does not promise us amazing things. He promises us His amazing love. He promises us His faithfulness. He promises to meet us, to be a light in the darkness, to be our strength, our refuge and He promises us His peace.
God’s plan for us was not more things from our disappointments. His plan for us was to need Him and it surrender our hearts desires to His. So the easy, just let it roll off your tongue, insensitive comments that people want to give to make themselves feel better do not cut it for me because the only thing it does is give me a false hope and interrupts a grieving process.
This amongst many other things is something I have been wrestling out with God. And to be honest, more often than not I would cling to that false hope of more. I set high, unrealistic expectations of what my more should or could look like and when my illusion of more did not unfold the way I believed it should, I often found myself in a posture of disappointment. But it was not until we sold our home, moved into our apartment and was released from a thick cloud of darkness that I was truly able to see clearly my more.
In this extremely difficult season when we have found ourselves barely being able to breathe, a season that has left us broken, shattered and barely holding on by a thread. A season where my marriage was in shambles, and my kids anxiety was escalating through the roof, I found myself in a weary, untethered place. I began looking for things to fill the empty and lonely void deep within my soul. I began looking for self -satisfaction in the wrong places because my eyes were jaded by the world. I wanted to be known. I wanted John to get a better job, make more money. I wanted nicer things. I wanted more things. I wanted life to be easy. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted until I came to a place of not wanting “things” anymore. I came to a place of only wanting more of Jesus.
However, it wasn’t until the past week while having my quiet time with the Lord that I realized, it was like a lightening bolt hit me smack in the face, that I was currently living in God’s more. You see, in the midst where so much more could have shattered, by Gods love, faithfulness and grace we somehow, someway, clung to the cross with every ounce of fight we had and stuck together in the darkest of days. My more was realizing that all this hard, all these blood shed tears, all the lost friendships, deep grief and pain was to shed off all that was keeping me from fully knowing Him. Even though I knew the more wasn’t things, until I experienced Him as the more, it was hard to grasp that He truly is enough. Because in the more, my marriage has been restored. I have worked through unfathomable grief and I have experienced His love in ways that have mind blowing. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of darkness into His glorious arms and I have experienced a peace that surpasses all understanding. He has met me at my well time and time again. He has poured down His anointed healing water into my dehydrated soul. He has caught many tears, embraced me when all I wanted to do was die. He dispersed His angels when I needed them most and He allowed me to grieve without judgment. He never left my side, gave me the space I needed when at my lowest and He was there with open arms when I was ready to face life again head on. He has been my one constant and the one who faithfulluy taken a shattered soul and remolded me into His beautiful masterpiece.
The more was my healing through His miraculous hands. The more was stepping away from the noise of the world and going to the mountaintop to meet with Him. The more was resting in Him. The more has been dying to self so that He can live in me. The more is experiencing Him in ways I never thought was possible and the more has been seeing His redemptive love rebuilding and restoring my family.
So let me ask you, what is your more? Is God enough? Is knowing that your more could very well be just knowing that God is more than enough? For me, the answer is YES! As hard as the ongoing season has been, I would not know Jesus in the depths of my soul like I do if we had not endured what we have had to face. Trust me, I do not in any way shape or form want to hit the repeat button on the season we just experienced but I would not have it any other way. The breaking has led to a remolding. It has taken a cloudy, unrealistic veil off my eyes and has allowed me to see the truth in which I needed for complete freedom in Christ. The breaking forced me into a space where I needed to grieve places where some sharped edged daggers were continually piercing unhealed wounds and the breaking brought me to my knees, allowing me to come to a place of complete surrender to Christ. My more, is MORE than I could have ever anticipated. As for me, to live is Christ, to die is gain!
Galatians 2:20-21, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.”