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Tonight while I was sitting in my old lady chair outside watching the kids play, because I do not physically have the strength or energy to play with them, I looked up in the sky and saw this magnificent picture and with a subtle but clear voice I heard, “you are in the eye of the storm.”

I am about to get real here but it’s where I am at right now in my journey. These past two years have been an emotional and physical  roller coaster ride for me and my family. My health took a turn for the worse in July 2014 and has declined ever since. We have done test after test, seen doctor after doctor and although we have a diagnosis my treatment plan still consists of a horrible quality of life that continues to get worse for me.

My latest update is since March 19 I have had tremors pretty much every day. I don’t know when they are coming, how bad they are going to be, how much pain I am going to experience and so forth. I cry several times a day, whether it be from pain, disappointments or of the unknown. I look at my life know and  honestly do not know how I can get much worse and still “function”

About two nights ago my tremors got worse and as John says, they became violent. I took my meds cried and waited for them to kick in while I sang  “I am no longer a Slave to fear, for I am a child of God.” And as I was singing that song, I cried out to God and said, “come on Satan, I have my boxing gloves on, let’s go in the ring, I am ready to fight you and take you down. Whatever you come at me with, I will swing and I will hit you. There is NOTHING you can throw at me that will make me crumble or waver in my faith, just let me know what I am fighting. Place it out all before me. Lay it all out so I don’t keep swinging and missing. I am ready to fight, bring it on, just tell me all I am fighting.”

Y’all I cannot tell you enough or make you comprehend what a hard, difficult, rough and hard season this has been. I have had to truly surrender my everything over to the Lord, in fact time and time again. I cannot do this on my own in any which way shape or form. I need HIM daily to help me live and survive.

Last night, John and I were laying in bed listening to worship music and my sweet awesome husband had tears rolling down his face. When I asked him what was wrong his answer was, ” I just want you to be healed.” He said, I know it’s hard for you being in pain and miserable all the time but it’s hard for me to watch you go through this.” My heart broke. My girls cry themselves to sleep almost every night, my husband is trying to stay strong for all of us and meanwhile he is crushed and hurting deep within.

This journey has been scary, lonely and yet so filling. So many have stepped up to be the hands and feet of Jesus. There have disappointments along the way but the reality is my hope and faith is in Jesus, not man. But as Kim my fabulous counselor says to me, but you are real, you are human and things hurt, and that is the truth.

So as I looked up into the sky tonight as my body was piercing in pain and as I felt tremors sneaking up waiting to explode, God spoke and said yes, there is a whirlwind of things you are experiencing and yes, you are in the eye of the storm. It’s rough and tough and it has gotten nasty but I have you, I love you deeply and I will catch you. You can survive another day because I am your strength when you are weak and I will continuously send you a gentle touch, a whisper, a hug to let you know I am near. I will send you just what you need to remember my hand is reaching out to grab ahold of yours so you don’t drown and you will know I AM HERE..

Tonight was hard for me. I walked into my house with my soul weeping. I feel weak, I feel weary and I felt as though there are not too many more days I can press forward in this pain. I am struggling to stay strong for my family and struggling to keep fighting the good fight. I am fearful of the unknown yet I have peace and I trust that God has this. But to be honest there are moments in time, tonight being one of them, that through my severe pain, loss of control and an emotional upheaval that I cried out to God, asking Him how much longer I would have to endure this pain? How much longer do I have to suffer and why Lord, why haven’t you just taken me home yet?

I want to make this VERY CLEAR.. I am not depressed and I would never end my life.. That being said my quality of life isn’t great and I just can’t bear to think about life like this for too much longer. I need breakthroughs, I need freedom I need HEALING.

I am in the eye of the storm and have been here for some time. I pray for the day there is a shift and I am not longer in the midst of trials, pain and suffering. I pray that the masses, and I mean masses come to know how great, faithful and loving God is and I pray that my life and the way I have been faithful and real through this journey brings you to a deeper more passionate relationship with God. This isn’t for the faint of hearts. The struggle is real but so is our testimony. It’s not all cookies and cream. In fact it gets extremely rough and there are days I want to throw the towel in but then God shows up and reminds me why I can’t give up. He shows me how precious I am to HIM, how He chose me for such a time as this and how deep and wide His love is for me. It is in those moments, when the darkness is overcome by His light that I remember the race He has set before me and I have a choice to run it with my head down feeling sorry for myself or I can run it with my head high and my eyes focused on Him. It is then that I remember that He is my constant, my source of strength and with Him ALL things are possible.  With HIM I can run and persevere through the eye of the storm because I have Him as my protector and my shield and He will carry me through whatever lies ahead.

I don’t know what you are walking through tonight or where you may have given up hope and want to throw in your towel but I am begging and pleading with you to look up. Look at the people and miracles He has placed around you and don’t give up. He is with you and He is fighting this battle with you and for you. Allow Him in and allow Him to give you the strength and perseverance you need to run your race. Be still enough to hear His voice and be open enough to receive the angels he places in your path. I love you deeply BUT HE loves you passionately. Allow Him to lavish you with His unfailing, unconditional, faithful love and allow Him to lead your way.

Psalm 46:10..He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

Hebrews 12:1..Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,