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The last 6 months of my life have been one of the longest, hardert, gut wrenching seasons I have ever had to walk through. It’s been a time of deep disappointment, discouragement, feelings of rejection, abandonment, anger, loneliness, weariness, defeat, depression, anxiety, excitement, anticipation, and of deep praise and worship to the Lord.

After my health scare two and a half years ago in addition to John undertaking and completing his MBA in December our family decided to go to Disney over our Christmas break to rebuild and reestablish our family roots. We desperately needed to have a fun filled, memory making time to restart our family as we have been in full on survival mode since March of 2016.

So, we packed up our minivan on December 15 and began our two week getaway to Florida and Disney. Our time away was God anointed and appointed and we all had an absolute blast. God accomplished and surpassed all John and I had prayed for. Our family needed a supernatural episodic experience to triumph all that we had walked through over the past two and a half years. We needed to create priceless memories that we could hold onto when anxious thoughts and fearful memories presented themselves. We needed to reflect on the God anointed moments instead of the pain and disconnect we had deeply experienced. We needed to step outside of our world of distractions and triggers so our fractured souls could be mended back together and reignited back into spiritual unity. All I can say is God showed up and showed off and looking back not only did God supply all we needed in that moment but He also prepared us for what was to come.

On December 30th we began our 17 hour journey back home only to walk into a to a completely flooded home on December 31st. Our lives at that moment got turned upside down and backwards and to be honest we have been hit with one treacherous storm after another. In fact, life has taken us into many deep ditches recently that at times I can truly say I never thought we would climb our way out. The days were so dim and dark that there was barely any light shining in. Satan was and continues to be at large and has tried everything he can to come in to steal, kill and destroy our family dynamics. All I can say through all of this is that I am so blessed and thankful that we know the Lord and that we place our hope and trust in Him. I do not know how anyone can get through this journey of life without knowing there is another side to all life hands you. To be honest I do not know how I am sitting here today writing about this season of despair, hardship and brokenness other than to say that without God and His faithful, unfailing love carrying me through, well it would be a different story.

Without getting into too much detail I will say this. After being uprooted from all we knew and our family being in complete and utter crisis and chaos, John was presented with a job promotion in Louisiana which he chose to accept. This decision was hard on the family and caused a great deal of tension and division in our home. It meant that John would travel three to four days a week until our home was rebuilt and we could all move after the school year. It meant I was going to carry the physical and emotional load of the family on my own and it meant the vision and hope I had of my family being together again was now being destroyed. My three children were emotional wrecks and I was an emotional basket case. My walls were up and I became angry and bitter.

I actually told John just a few weeks ago it has ONLY been through the sovereign, faithful hand of God that I have gotten “through” this season. There were many times I was ready to pack my bags and leave. There were days I did not think I was going to make it through and there were days I did not want to make it through. There were days I felt so defeated and weak. I was in complete despair, trust was broken, dreams were shattered, hopelessness began to set in, days and weeks ran together and I found myself in a lonely dark place.

I made a decision early on in this valley that I was going to disconnect myself from the world. I was going through so many hard and raw emotions that I couldn’t and wouldn’t subject myself to any unnecessary emotions from the social media world. Let’s be honest, I struggle with rejection and abandonment. It’s been my daily cross for many years and God has truly healed and set me free on so many levels from this. But we all know the enemy preys on attacking us when we are weak and vulnerable and he goes right after the areas we are weakest in. Scripture says in Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” I needed to protect my heart from further damage. I knew any unnecessary emotions would put me over the edge. So, I got off all social media, I fasted on occasion and I soaked myself in, actually saturated myself in all things God. I continued leading the Priscilla Shirer’s Armor of God study and continued leading all my other studies. People asked me how I was doing it and I said only through the strength and hand of the Lord. It was actually healing for me. It was my respite, it filled my soul in deep ways.

I became diligent in my quiet time with the Lord. I would wake up early, go out to the couch to do my devotions, journal and I would listen to spirit filled, anointed sermons. Yes, there were days I just couldn’t find the strength to do any of this but on those days I would drag myself out of bed and would sit on the couch and just listen to worship music. I wrote out Scriptures that spoke to my soul and posted them on my walls so I was constantly reminded of His truths and promises. I was intentional about continuously positioning myself before the Lord because I knew that if I gave the enemy even just a little bit of space to occupy he would attack in full force and I would get devoured.

I remember one dark day when I was desperately seeking breakthrough. My eyes were swollen shut from all the tears I had shed and I was hunched over from feeling the weight of the world being on my shoulders. I began questioning myself and if I was walking this season out in a faithful and Godly way. Wondering if people were looking at me, my life, my ugly shattered heart, thinking to themselves, yeah just what I thought. She is weak, she really isn’t the Christian I thought she was. To be honest, I had several people approach me and say, you know people are watching you? They are watching how you are walking this out and waiting to see if you are going to crumble and break. Ummm, that put all the mess into high OCD mode and I was scared I was going to fail everyone, I was scared I was going to fail GOD. But on this day, when I was in the depths of the treacherous waters I opened up my bible and God brought me to 2 Corinthians 12:9 “But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

God reminded me that day that it was ok to be weak. Y’all do not understand the weight that was lifted off my shoulders that day and the deep breath of purifying peace I was able to inhale. I was using all my extra strength to stay strong for others but God reminded me that He is my strength and that when I am weak, I can actually boast about it because in my weakness He and He alone is my strength. Ephesians 3:16 says, “I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being.” And that is exactly what He did and continues to do. He strengthens me through His spirit in my inmost being. I don’t need to do anything for Him to show up. His grace is sufficient. He is all I need and will ever need.

John and I knew we were breaking but we were committed to not be broken. We had many long and hard conversations and there were many transforming moments. After months of barely keeping our heads above water, we began to see breakthrough after breakthrough and I would say during mid to late May, John and I were beginning to see the fruits and blessings of this challenging season. We were beginning to come back into unity and we were truly experiencing and walking in the anointed shalom peace of God. Then another life changing storm hit. My mother had a heart attack on June 1st and then had a triple bypass on June 5th. My world was once again turned upside down and backwards. I was faced with some very real and hard emotions. I didn’t know if my mom would pull through and the fears I was faced with put me into fight and flight mode. Life as I knew it changed once again and I have been walking my days out in full on survival mode since.

These past four weeks I feel like I am at square one again, meaning I feel like I am living in the twilight zone. I don’t know how I am getting through these days but I can say this. Mom pulled through and God has been so faithful. He has truly been my strength, the wings and peace that is carrying me through. A dear PRECIOUS friend had said to me A, I don’t know what bubble it is but God has a bubble surrounding you protecting you from truly seeing your true reality. TRUTH. I think if I was truly seeing my reality as everyone else was seeing it, I would probably CRUMBLE. He has and continues to protect me and shield me. My armor is on and although there are days I feel like God is far away, I continue to press in and lean into Him. I stand firm on His promises and truths and I stand firm on His word. I have clung to the cross like never before and I have to be honest and say that His hope, the hope He promises to us over and over again in His WORD, is what strengthens me and sustains me. I rest and find deep comfort in knowing He already won the battle. The victory is His, it’s mine. There is peace in knowing there IS another side to this and when I get to the other side I know it is going to be so blissfully beautiful that my jaw will drop as I stand in awe of His faithfulness and blessings. That excites me and fills me. It allows me to keep pressing forward. It allows me to run my race with strength and perseverance and it allows me to keep my eyes fixed on Him and the end prize.

I cannot emphasize enough the depths of how hard this season has been. There were moments in time that were unbearable, that brought me on my knees in desperation seeking God, His face, His presence. The anxiety and panic attacks were overwhelming and the days of depression were long. Yet God continuously sent His army of angels to surround me, uplift me, encourage me and reposition me before the mighty, all powerful, healing hand of God. I have seen Matthew 25:35-36 played out in my life. As it says, “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
God gave me His angels to feed me His truths and to quench my thirst with His living water. People that I didn’t expect showed up and were there for me, took care of me, held my hand, allowed me to cry on their shoulders and purge out the brokenness my soul was in. When I was in an emotional and sometimes spiritual prison He would have His angels send me Scriptures, words of encouragement and I would get unexpected visitors at my doorstep to hug me and clothe me with His supernatural strength and with His unfailing love. His army of angels were the true hands and feet of Jesus.

God has met me in profound ways and had allowed this season to grow and purify me. It has showed me the depths of my commitment to God and in turn to John. I have held onto the covenant relationship, promise I made before God and I chose many times to turn from my flesh, my emotions, my anger and submit myself to God. Surrendering my life, my control, my plans over to Him. I chose HIM over all things and I chose to be obedient to what He was doing in and through my life even though I was kicking and screaming on many of occasions.

I don’t know what you are facing in your life. The challenges that are set before you and I do not know how deep the waters are in the storm you are currently barely breathing in but I can tell you this. God is a God of healing and restoration. He promises that nothing is impossible through Christ Jesus and that we can do all things through Him. Forgiveness doesn’t come easy and there are times our anger and bitterness can get the best of us. There are deep moments of weariness and despair we often journey through and there are times we feel alone and unworthy. I get it, I get the pleather of emotions one can feel because God has allowed me to experience and walk through more emotions than I ever thought existed but I want to encourage you with this.

Don’t loose faith. Don’t loose hope. God is soo much bigger than the situations we are facing. Greater He who is in me then he who is in the world (1 John 4:4) Hold onto that truth and that promise. Hold onto that He will never leave us not forsake us and hold onto the truth that He goes before us and levels the mountains for us. That we WILL soar high on the wings of eagles and that He is our strength when we are weak and weary. Hold onto HIS truth that darkness can NEVER overcome light and that the victory is His. He won the battle, we through Him, have won the battle. He will see you through and He will redeem and restore what you never thought was possible.

I know this because I have seen His mighty hand at work and I have seen this truth walked out in my life. I have been broken to pieces and completely wrecked but He has redeemed what I didn’t think could ever be restored. He has and will use ALL things, even if we step outside of His plans, for His good, purpose and glory. All we have to do is let go and let God. Allow Him to do a mighty work in and through you. Allow Him to take you to new depths within Him and allow Him to purify out anything that is holding you back from walking out the anointing and calling He has placed on your life.

God never promises us a smooth, bright, yellow brick road to travel. The roads are sometimes long and more often then not there are bumps and ditches we need to pass over but as we journey through the cracks and bends on the road He supplies the strength and courage we need to get through the hurdle. I am on a journey that I didn’t ask for or want but through this journey He has grown me spiritually and emotionally and has healed places in my soul that needed His anointed touch. Submission and obedience to Him is HARD but let me tell you something, the blessings that birth forth from this will blow your socks off. Praise Him always, even when you find it most difficult. “Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; His love endures forever.”( 1 Chronicles 16:34)

So, now you know why I have been MIA the last six months and the drought I was in. I am so thankful that the rain has begun to fall and fill my thirsty soul back up. It has been a season I don’t want to relive but a season I am thankful that He chose me and my family to walk through.
Praying you all through ?❤️?