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Life has been somewhat crazy since my last entry. With so much going on, anxieties, fears, feeling a huge loss of control and grieving I have had this huge knot in my throat. I have, on so many occasions wanted to cry but the tears just would not release. I have been walking through life since I started my new medication last Thursday with fear, being hesitant and scared of the unknown of what these new drugs might do to my body and I have not been trusting God as much as I needed to. I was growing faint, weary and to be honest I was just feeling discouraged.

Then Monday came. I had to take Jace to the GI doctor in which she ordered an endoscopy for the following morning to try and rule out some things and to see why he might be having GI issues.  Shortly after leaving the GI doctor I noticed that Jordyn started itching and picking at her hand. When I asked her to stop, she started balling crying saying, I can’t it hurts. I then proceeded to look at her hand and was horrified at what I saw. Her hand was so inflamed, swollen and infected with puss oozing everywhere and puss pocket blisters all over her tiny little fingers. It was GROSS. Jordyn had a terrible infection in her hand and was placed on heavy antibiotics.

So, needles to say Monday evening I was toast, overdone and needed to hear truth, I needed hope, I needed encouragement.  John and I dropped off the kids at my moms new apartment and when we picked them up Avery said, “mom look at the sky.” and so I did. The entire sky was getting dark but right in the center of it all was this BEAUTIFUL pink, yellow and white light all immersed together shinning through, There was NO darkness in the light, it was pure brightness, beauty and purity shinning through. It was amazing and God spoke so clearly to me. He said it doesn’t matter how much darkness surrounds me, that his light is still shining through bringing life, hope and love. That he is in the center of it all, he is my inner core. The enemy cannot take me down no matter how dark things may get, He will be there shinning his glimmering light, leading me back to him. There was no room for darkness in the center of the sky, in the center of my soul, because that is where HE resides. He took up residence there a long time ago and as long as HE is there, there is no room for the anything else.

OH how I needed that ah ha moment. I needed to hear his truth and I needed to hear his voice guiding and directing me in such a hard momma moment day. So as I relaxed in for the night I held onto these truths and I fell fast asleep although that did not last long. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and was not able to sleep. So I got my bible and this new book I am about to embark on called “Choose Joy” and I got a cup of coffee, sat down and opened my book and this verse was right in front of my eyes..

Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts/ songs of Joy.. Psalm 126:5

So I opened my bible and read it in its context and listen to me, this is our truth.
Our battles before us are real and our souls do grow faint and weary. We trust, we hope and we have the light and love of Jesus which carries us through. When we weep he weeps with us and he knows the brokenness and grieving of our soul. But here is what I love. While we weep each tear we shed is planted, it doesn’t go unnoticed and he sees and hears the cries of our soul but HE promises that with each tear shed we will REAP with songs, shouts and worship, of JOY.. While we shed tears our souls are released and freed from pain and anguish. He collects these tears and he then fills us with His peace and JOY. He redeems all things and HE renews and purifies..
In verse 6 it says he who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow (tears to plant) will return with songs of Joy, carrying sheaves on them.
It’s ok to cry bc our tears are the seeds that bring new life of joy into our hearts and souls. It’s when we release them, when we weep and cry out, our God can do mighty things, he can allow the seed to grow, he can allow joy to be planted in the inner core of your being and he can allow it to blossom, bringing forth new life in you and those around you. When we release these tears, strongholds are broken and it is then that there is room for God to fill us with the fruits of the spirit and his shalom peace. LOVE IT…

God knew how much I would need this truth as the day progressed and how I needed this to hold onto.

So at 6:30 I woke Jace up and took him to his endoscopy. While we were there he was not happy as he was being poked all over and then the anesthesiologist came in, talked to me and told me I would go back with Jace and stay with him until they put him under. UMMMM, that was one of the WORST experiences of my life. I was helping restrain Jace as they put the mask on him. He was fighting a good fight and his eyes were glaring at me, red and teary eyed. As time SLOWLY passed he stopped fighting but continued screaming with a mommy help me look in his eyes and then in a moments time, he just went limp and lifeless. My heart dropped and broke into a thousand million pieces. Watching him slip away was one of the most horrifying sights I had ever seen. As the told me to leave, I bent down, made sure he was still breathing, because to me It was like I just witnessed my son dying, and I prayed HARD… I went into the waiting room and WEPT.. How on earth could they ever let a parent witness that?? Horrible. horrible, horrible.

Well, they called me in about 30 minutes later to have me in the room for when he woke up and it’s a good thing I was there because he woke up hard, he was angry, nasty and I will just say it, he was mean. We finally made it home and this momma was completely undone. For days I had been so anxious about my own health and then Monday and Tuesday happened and I was a wreck over my kids. I felt like I was going to shatter if one more thing was thrown at me and later that day it was. It was a small thing, really, it was over a piece of paper I accidentally threw away for Avery’s teacher and she needed it back but when I realized I didn’t have it, oh man I BROKE down. I mean I wept, I cried, I sobbed for a good 40 minutes. I cried so deeply that each of my children came up to me, with tears in their own eyes, said momma are you ok and they each held and embraced me. So thankful for their loving compassionate hearts and so thankful God sent me himself in the flesh (through my kids) to lavish me with his love at such a broken, pivotal moment. Beyond grateful.

Let’s be real, it had nothing to do with that piece of paper but yet it had everything to do with it. It was the one thing the enemy was trying to use to make me feel like an idiot, a failure, a bad mom and parent but it was also what God was using to break me down, to release all those tears that I had stored up. What the enemy was trying to use as harm, God used for freedom. Those weeping tears that I sobbed released me. I was able to get out all the heaviness that had been weighing me down, that I had been walking around with and that I was trying to control. Those tears that were shed were seeds that were planted for new growth in me. They were tears that needed to be released so that I could feel, embrace and be in the presence of God. Those tears brought me freedom and those tears brought me joy.

I am sharing all this with you because Monday and Tuesday really rocked me to my core. Not only was I fighting my own battles but I was fighting in full gear, full force, on the FRONT lines of a nasty battlefield, for my kids. I was going in such fast gear that I didn’t take the time to trust God. Yet He showed himself to me in so many ways, especially when I was at my breaking points. He even showed up giving me a scripture and a prophetic word about weeping before I even wept just so I had something to hold onto as my soul fell into his hands.

No matter what life has handed you, no matter where you are at in your journey, remember you are not alone. God is walking this out with you, He wants us to be present enough yet still enough to hear and see him. If Avery hadn’t said look at the sky or If I had fallen back to sleep I would have missed two pivotal transforming, God breathed appointed and anointed experiences. Take the time in the midest of your heaviest season to be still enough for him to speak into you, to speak life back into you and for him to radically transform you.

Remember crying, shedding tears even weeping does not make you weak. In fact in makes you stronger because you are aware enough to know something needs to be released in order to bring freedom. You know what I mean. After you have a GOOD cry, when there are no boundaries and you let it all out. Not putting a time limit on it and truly allowing yourself to be broken enough where you sit with your head in between your legs, and just cry until there are no more tears that can even be produced at that time. Yes, that type of crying. Its then when the anxieties, fears, control and strongholds are broken. Its then God has an opportunity to move into that space and take up residence, its then he can bless you and fill you with him and HIS truths. I cannot even begin to tell you the weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders since I was flat out before him broken. But it took a piece of paper to be thrown away, it took an attempt of the enemy but an act of God to still me enough to to release control and trust in Him.

I have taken some days to process all that life has handed me this week and I sit in amazement of Gods love and faithfulness. Jordyn’s hand is completely healed, Jace does not have celiac disease, although he is sensitive to wheat, dairy and has horrible acid reflux, but the overwhelming pressure to change our lives and diets isn’t as immediate and necessary. My medicine on the other hand has shown more side effects. My eyes are swollen, I am really fatigued and I am getting random penny sized black and blues all over my body :(.  However I am trusting in God and I know he has me and this covered.

So thankful God keeps choosing me and trusting me with all this. I may grow weak and weary but my faith and hope in God guides me back to him and his truths. His love allows me to persevere and his love gives me the strength to continue to run the race set before me. No matter how difficult and hard things have gotten or may get in the days ahead, I know what man thinks is impossible God says is possible. I know healing is in his hands. I know he is faithful and I know his promises are truths. I know when I weep he weeps with me and I know that I know that I know, that I am the daughter of the ONE TRUE KING and that He treasure me, adores me, loves me and is beyond proud of me. I am not weak but He is my strength. I may grow weary but he allows me to cry and lean on him and the more I cry the more I grow, blossom and reap seeds of Joy.  So beyond blessed and grateful he rescued me and brought me back to life. For I will sing His praises all day long. Forever grateful xoxoxo