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Let’s keep it real. The past few days I feel like and emotional roller coaster that is about to derail. I can’t sit here and pinpoint what all is going on deep within the trenches of my being but what I can tell you is this. My soul is unsettled and restless as it quenches for something bigger. 

Yesterday, I was a HOT MESS and during my quiet time with God I face planted into the Bible and began to SOB. I mean ugly boohoo crying as I felt this deep desperation to feel and sense His presence. I NEEDED to hear His voice, His direction and I needed to FEEL His loving embrace. Have you ever been there? You know that place where something strong is stirring within your soul and you cannot figure out what it is. All you know is that you are not ok. As if you are on the verge of a mental breakdown and or panic attack and you would do anything for God to call you on the phone and give you a strategic play by play plan on how to fill that emptiness, that void, that gut wrenching awful sense of loneliness you are feeling. I know there are moments I want that quick answer, that quick fix. Times when I do NOT want to walk through the storms, the pains and heartaches life is throwing at me and all I want is normal even though there is nothing about normal that appeases me. 

You see, the enemy attacks me in my weakness. He knows what triggers me and he strategically and methodically tries to wipe me out. For instance, dealing with these crazy health issues for four months now. Although God has healed me in TREMENDOUS ways, I still have occasional self pity parties for myself wishing I was still further along instead of PRAISING Him for how far He has taken me. Feelings of rejection and not “fitting in” overtake me at times and to be honest there are moments I just feel like I do not belong.

Yet it’s in these moments of deepest despair, the moments I doubt and want to throw in the towel because life seems to heavy to bear that I find myself face planting into scripture, turning on worship music, messaging a close friend with pure vulnerability seeking fervent prayer because whether I like it or not, I find myself trying to fight this nudge deep within whispering to me, YOU cannot do this alone. I realize how desperately I need HIM in and through ALL things and it’s when I am worn out and depleted I find myself in a posture of stillness. A posture where I stand with my arms wide open waiting to receive the down pouring of His anointed healing hands to saturate me with His shalom peace and I wait in eager anticipation as the resurrected KING resurrects me. Why? Because God and God alone is the ONLY thing I can do that brings my soul into complete homeostasis. 

I have come to realize I am in a season where I want more than normal and I am willing to do whatever I can in my own strength to launch into His unique and perfect plan for my life. I want to surround myself around people that go deep in Jesus and bring out the Jesus in me. That challenge me in the areas of my life where I am complacent and challenge me to walk that scary tight rope because they know once I cross it there will be soul dancing Jesus freedom on the other side. 

Isaiah 53:3 tell us that even HE, Jesus, was despised and rejected. Yes we see Him heal people, perform miracles and redeem what what lost but we also see that while in the Garden of Gethsemane that He was betrayed, tempted, he wanted the hour to pass because the suffering was so deep and profound. We see Him rejected by those closest to Him, beaten, forsaken, yet Jesus, despite all He faced while here on earth knew the hope and the joy that was found in God. He knew His time here wasn’t for His purpose or His will but of the WILL of His Father. 

God has persistently reminded me of so many of His truths and promises today as I surrendered some anger, bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness I had been harboring. He released me from the heaviness of deep sadness I have been battling and He has embraced me with His lavishing love. I met Him today In places I had shut down and closed off because I chose to tune out the noises of the world and I intentionally sought His redemptive promises. 

Y’all Satan is working overtime right now and he is on a high speed mission to kill, steal and destroy. He has his blinders on and he is intensionally trying to TAKE out anything and everything that breathes Jesus. Armor up and be prepared for this fierce battle. The enemy does not want you to see the dynamic plans God has orchestrated out for your life and he will stop at nothing to try and derail you or knock you off course. 

Remember, Gods heart is not for us to be in bondage or enslaved to circumstances of our lives. He wants us to surrender all that is keeping us locked up and imprisoned. He wants us to walk in the divine, redemptive freedom ONLY He can offer and He wants us to flourish in the carved out mold He specifically crafted out for each and every one of us. So, the question is, “What are you willing to surrender today?” 

My prayer is that you realize and know you are NOT alone. Praying y’all can find peace in the midst of your circumstances today and that you allow Him to break the chains that have been holding you hostage. That you truly bask in His truths and that you can rest ok Him, knowing He is your ultimate Healer, Counselor, Prince of Peace and He is the Great I AM. He has you,  now RUN to HIM??

Romans 5:1-5, “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.