As I continue to walk out the journey placed before me I have to be honest and say my heart and soul are growing weary and scared of what lies ahead. This past week has been physically painful but has left me in a place of such despair that my soul has been quenching to know more of him and his love.
For a quick update, I was in the ER Monday night with horrible pain in my back.. They did a CT scan and I have a kidney stone but in my other kidney on the opposite side of pain. They said they think the disease is causing bone pain. They drugged me up as much as they could considering I am not allowed to take pain meds because they release histamine and anything that releases histamine puts me at high risk of going anaphylactic. So they did what they could do and sent me home.
I had an X-ray of my back on Thursday and they found a spot on my spine that they believe to be benign and degenerative changes in my spine. I went for an hour and a half MRI on Friday and praying we can get more answers as to why my back is in so much pain. I have also contacted a friend that is head of cardiology at the Cleveland clinic and he got us a name of a doctor at MD Anderson Houston that specializes in my disease. So I had my oncologist fax all my records there on Friday and now we need to be in prayer that they accept my case and this doctor will see me.
This has been my week. Lots to take in and lots to go before the Lord with. Although I am sad and weary I have an undeniable peace knowing HE has this and that he has me wrapped up in his loving embrace. I have cried, I have stood numb and I have been honest and vulnerable before him. My prayer is that I am used no matter what to be a part in advancing his kingdom and I continually give him all the glory and praise. I am willing to suffer, lay my journey out there for all to see and I am willing sacrifice whatever it may be in order for His name to be known. I don’t know what lies ahead of me and to be bluntly honest with you if I think about tomorrow, a year from now or even further my heart sinks in complete sadness thinking I will have to live the rest of my life like this. So when my mind wonders in that direction I quickly bring it back to this truth. I will be healed on day and he is going before me fighting this battle with me and for me. I have rebuked any and all attacks of the enemy, because let’s be honest we know he is trying hard to take me down, and I have shouted out that no matter what the enemy may throw my way, my faith, hope and trust in Jesus will not waver and WILL NOT be shaken. In fact it does the complete opposite. It draws me closer to him and his great love for me. It allows me to go before him, seeking him and allowing him into places in my soul that only He can fill. He has brought me a new hope and to a deeper faith.
Even though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death his perfect love is truly casting out my fear and anxieties. I know that I have purpose and my time here is far from over.
My plead with you today is that if you don’t know Jesus as you Lord and Savior, ask him into your heart. Lay your life out before him and allow him to lead you, guide you and direct your steps. He is the everlasting, unfailing, unconditional, all encompassing loving God. He is the great I Am and he will bring you hope, light and new life even in the darkest of days. I speak this truth because I have learned it, walked it and I am living proof of it. Take the step you have been wanting to take. Take the leap of faith and watch him catch you. You will then know and understand what it truly means to fly with HIM holding you as you glide across the skies. Trust, seek and find HIM.
And as I finished this writing I looked up into the sky as I saw this beautiful little rainbow, a confirmation of Gods love, covenant and promises.. Love it and love how he shows us and reminds us of who he is. God is faithful and good ALL the time ❤️