While in counseling today I was asked this question and it is a question I often ponder myself. In the midst of this storm, Is God enough? Is the CROSS enough to carry you through and my answer to that without any hesitation is YES.
Please do not get me wrong. I am a human being living in the world and I am as real as they come. I have experienced a wide range of feelings and emotions and felt an incredible amount of pain and suffering in my life. From emotional suffering to physical suffering I know and understand the desperation of the cry of the heart when pain ignites your soul and there is not a quick and easy “fix it” way out. I get sad, I get depressed, I get weary, I cry and I get fearful. HOWEVER I have Jesus, I have the cross and in that I have an unwavering hope and faith in Him and Him alone.
I remember being in seminary and in one of the first classes I took this exact question was asked of us. If you were to loose all that you have, your health, spouse, child etc. would God be enough to carry you through and I remember thinking to myself I really don’t know if He could be but I know He would really have to be.
Through the many trials I have encountered and all that I have walked through NOTHING compares to the desperation and dependency I have at this present time to cling onto Jesus. Is Jesus enough? YES He is more than enough. He is the calm in the storm, the peace in my anxiety, the rest in my chaos and the rock to my foundation. His unfailing love pieces my soul back together when it is shattered and His steadfast consistency to meet me and carry me through the weariest and darkest of days gives me enough strength to persevere through the stormy waters. He brings me to quiet waters when I am overwhelmed with the journey before me. He sends angels to love on me, serve me, text me Scriptures, words of encouragement or youtube videos of worship songs and He catches me before I fall. He resurrects my desolate soul and He shines His light when I am in a downward spiral of darkness. He motivates me to process through the pain and He helps me physically get out of bed and moving each day. He fills me, nourishes my soul and HE truly blesses me with His daily bread of strength each and every day. So beyond blessed and thankful for that.
This is not how I thought my life would look at 41. I am in the midst of deep pain, suffering and grief. Grieving what I thought should or would be. Grieving missing out on the fun things with my kiddos and grieving that I am just not capable of doing the things I “want” to or “should” be doing. Life took a twist and veered left when I thought I was going right. I was dealt a hand of cards that my flesh wants to throw back in the pile and start fresh but in my spirit I know this is the hand I need to play. It is a hand that I didn’t expect and I am crushed, in fact I am BROKEN. But as I walk out this journey with the challenges and obstacles I have before me, I pray that I do it in a way that brings honor and glory to HIS great name. I pray that through my transparency and vulnerability, pain and suffering that people would see how sovereign, just and merciful God is. That they would see a steadfast hope and faith and that they would see that the God I so love and serve is a God that weeps with us, holds our hands, carries us through and is faithful even through the darkest of storms.
I told my counselor this this morning and I pray it is conveyed correctly. I know there are so many of you out there that are broken and struggling over the fact that there is nothing you can physically do to help me or cure me. It is often very difficult seeing someone with a chronic illness, in constant pain, not knowing how to “fix” it and make it all better. Most tend to shy away because it is uncomfortable for them to be around someone dealing with so much. There are those that in passing say I am praying for you, those whom I know are on the front lines in fervent prayer and then there are some that give you the look of helplessness and hopelessness. The “I have pity” for you face. Ugh Please hear me when I say this. I am weak but strong in HIM. As I told Avery tonight as she was weeping saying I can’t take much more of this momma. I am tired of you being so sick (due to my tremors starting at the end of her first grade PTA music program and John having to hold me up and carry me out of the school), I grabbed her face, looked her in her teary eyes and said this in an authoritative and powerful voice. I will be ok because Jesus is enough. No matter what lies ahead and no matter what we face, we will get through it BECAUSE… He is our rock, our foundation, our beginning and our end. He is our counselor, physician, our healer and the Great I am. There is nothing He cannot resurrect and that He cannot heal. We need to trust and have faith in Him to carry us through whatever lays ahead and we must keep our eyes focused HIM. She got it. It calmed her storm inside and stilled her tears because she heard and received truth. I don’t want pity. I want YOU to know this amazing God that I just told Avery about. A God that goes before you, levels mountains, who is on the front lines of the battle field praying with you and for you. I want you to know HIM on more deeper and more passionate levels and I want those whom have yet to accept HIM into their lives and hearts to say, I want what you have. I want that JESUS.
I don’t want my identity to be, or be known by, that girl Alison that has a disease. I want my legacy to be one that is described as Aliosn, a faithful servant of God, who through her suffering radiated light, hope and an abundant life in Him. Alison, the one that became less so that others became more and the one who lead the masses to know of His powerful Great Name. That’s my hope, that’s my prayer.
Listen, my pain and suffering must be used for something. It is not wasted and it is not in vein. There is reason and purpose for all that I have encountered and walked through. I will say it again and again. If what I am walking though, if this is the hand I am playing, well then game on. Lets lead the masses to know HIS GREAT NAME and lets walk it out praising and glorifying HIM. For He gets all the praise and glory. Great is THY faithfulness. His love endures forever and even though this is not what I planned for my life, I know He has great plans through this. This I am certain of and this I know for SURE.
I don’t know what you are walking through and what your storm looks like. I don’t know if you are barely breathing and keeping you head above water but what I want you to know and what I want you to take in and breath in is this. You have a loving and caring God who passionately wants to lavish and embrace you with His unconditional and unfailing love. A God that wants to meet you in your storm, bring you peace and comfort and a God that wants to heal you in your brokenness. Allow Him in. Allow Him to do a mighty work in and through you and allow Him to BE ENOUGH. The reality is this. You might not want Him to be enough but He has to be enough. He is the only constant source of stability when the waves come crashing in and HE is the only one that can comfort you, bring you shalom peace, rescue you and resurrect the pain within your soul. Trust in Him. Seek Him and allow His light to bring glory and freedom into your life. You will NOT be disappointed.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.[a]
James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.