Life in the past few days have turned sideways as the tsunami waves came crashing down upon the Vorlicky family. On Monday, November 4th John got a phone call mid day conveying a message that he was not fully prepared to hear or receive. His company, the one that he has been with for the past four years, the company that brought our family to Florida, let him go. The company cleaned house letting so many friends, colleagues, and good people go. So what do we do? Where do we go from here? The shock, the unknowns, the ongoings that ravage through ones mind can at times me paralyzing but we are standing strong as a family, praying and KNOWING that in the cutting off, new growth will bloom.
Yet, as much as I know these truths, and as much as I know God has me and my family, in the right now, I am not ok. Today I broke. Today I had a meltdown. Today I wept as the heaviness of life seemed unbearable.
I feel like people think when you are wrestling with hardships, something life changing or circumstances in life that knock you off course, that you do not believe God has you and the situation, which is so far from the truth and NOT the case here. BUT there are times there is a loss, a grieving, an unknown that leaves you leaning in and pressing into God, clinging to Him with every ounce of fight they have. There are times you are too weak to stand on your own and there are times there are wells of tears that ooze from your eyes because the depths of heartache is so gut wrenching that you find yourself barrel crawling on the filthy ground of life just to be in close enough proximity to touch the hem of the healing garment of Jesus. There are times you are barely holding on by the thread and there are times, which is where I am currently at, that we find ourselves crying out to God, praying for a miraculous breakthrough because if one more detour comes our way, we are not sure how we can physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually handle it.
Does God give us more than we can handle? YES He does and to be honest I am at the point. The more is heavy, really heavy but in the more, even though there is an internal wrestle, there is also a relinquishment and a surrender knowing God is my strength and He will uphold me, carry me through and pave the way. In the more is when we lean into Christ. In the more is when we learn it is ok to be weak because God is our strength and in the more, that is when we see God grab ahold of our shaky and unstable hands while HE breathes hope and resurrected life back into our collapsing lungs. In the more we see Jesus in profound ways and in the more we experience His lavishing love.
Between my sister and her battle with cancer. My mom’s ongoing health challenges. My marriage needing healing. The emotional rollercoasters of parenting. The ongoing of reseting my sails as I navigate three children to walk set apart in this crazy world and now the loss of John’s employment I found myself yesterday in a state of numbness. Will God provide? ABSOLUTELY. Am I hard pressed on every side? ABSOLUTELY. Will I be shaken? Will I fall? Will I waver? Will I question things? Will I doubt things? Will I have moments of darkness and sadness? YES, I will have moments in time that stop me in my tracks and I may find the air I am breathing in becomes to thick for my lungs to inhale in BUT that does not take away from the fact that I trust God wholeheartedly. It does not take away that I am standing in a posture of surrendered faith, placing my desires, my wants, my burdens at the foot of the cross. It does not mean I do not believe God has something extraordinary for me and that He is not using all things for the good and glory of His kingdom. What it means is that I am human and sometimes life throws you curveballs that knock you off the course you have been traveling and when you are suddenly jolted from what was, the fall you try to embrace as best as you can sometimes leaves you pretty banged up. What it means is that sometimes you need to take a step back, reset your sails and know that it is ok not to be ok. And right now, I am in the not ok.
Do I have moments of internal wrestle, internal temper tantrums and internal discontent? ABSOLUTELY. Do I feel weak? UMMMM YES but I know God is my strength, my everlasting hope in times of trouble and my Prince of Peace. I know God is directing and guiding my steps, working behind the scenes on my behalf and that He is showering me with an unshakable love.
I know ALL the things. I know God has a plan and a purpose in the pain. I know the scriptures to carry me through and I know God is doing a great work in and through this season of doubt. But today, in the right now, I didn’t need to hear God has this. I needed to be angry and grieve, to cry and i needed to just be held.
That’s my purge. That’s my unmasked vulnerability, transparency, and my reality. Sometimes in the uncomfortable grace of witnessing the hardship and pain in others, no words are best. Maybe showing up and being someone to stand in the gap so the one that is being shattered by the upheavals of life, seeking the Lords face and the steps they need to travel to reach another destination doesn’t fall into a deeper, darker valley. That is what I thirst for in the present moments. Not Scripture being tossed at me. Not the blanket Christian comments. Not the God has something bigger and better. Not that God gives His greatest battles to His strongest soldiers. I know the truths, I know the promises and it is not that I do not need to be reminded of them, I just need them not to be repeatedly spoken to me and over me. What I need is to be reminded through love, through action, by the silence and stillness of showing up . I need Jesus in the flesh to wrap His arms around me, hold me tight, embracing me while being a shoulder to cry on. What I need to know is that I am seen, that my unspoken pain is being heard and that I am not being judged as I walk my tightrope of faith a little unstable.
So I will wait patiently on the Lord while I suit up in the armor of God and fight this battle knowing He is my strength, and my strong tower. I will stand my post and pray fervently as we navigate these days ahead. I will walk in the valley of the shadow of darkness with a strength and courage that I will muster up and I will throw my net into the depths of the sea as I place my hope, my trust, my faith in Jesus.
In the midst of this all. In the midst of all that I have unveiled, I do have a deep peace and a heart of gratitude because I am certain of this. In the cutting, in the pruning, in the stripping away, God is doing an amazing work in and through this. So I wait, knowing a fine wine is being cultivated and produced in the squashing, in the grinding in the refining.
The greatest work is done in the depths of the valley. So I will get messy, i will get dirty and I will trek through the days ahead knowing God is upholding me with His righteous right hand, covering me with His feathers, sheltering me from the horrible damage of the storm as He nestles me under His wings and becomes the safest place of refuge for me to rest in.
I know I am not alone in this battle. I know there are many of you that are fighting just as hard over your own circumstances of life and I know there are a plethora of you that are barely hanging on. Know what you are feeling is OK. Know you are not alone and know I am here for you, praying you through. Reach out, God says we are to come alongside one another and carry one another’s burdens. I am HERE FOR YOU.
Love you. Thank you for being you and praying me through. This to shall pass and this too will be another bullet point on my resume of how God showed up and showed off while He reached out His hand to bring me back to the solid rock, the solid ground in which I continue to stand on.
Big hugs friends
