I am writing this post not to get criticized, not to get negative feedback or rude comments. Y’all are entitled to your opinions and I gratefully respect it all. This is MY story and it has been heavy on my heart to share it in hopes that someone is searching for answers and needs to read this so they can find freedom in the journey they are walking through. May your eyes, ears and heart be in a posture to receive all that He wants to pour down in and through you. He is speaking, the question is, are you ready to listen?
20 years ago I was in a shattered and broken place in life. I did not know the Lord and I operated strictly out of my flesh. I tried to fill the voids in my life with things and was consumed with my body image, my appearance and what others thought of me.
I tried many things to numb the loneliness my soul was being trampled by as I desperately wanted and needed to feel loved.
Thinking the only way I could dispose of this strong dislike of my figure, I went ahead and got breast implants. I thought I finally found the golden ticket to loving myself, my body and I for sure knew I was going to find my soul mate with this new attractive figure.
Yes my body now had “curves” but as the years progressed that aching void of loneliness and wanting more was still creeping in and knocking me emotionally down for the count. About 2-3 years into this new body of mine, my health issues began. Numerous people asked me if I thought it was the implants and I quickly defended my boobs and said no way, all the while thinking in my head, “you are just jealous I have boobs and you don’t.” Sad truth but that is where my mentality was.
As I journeyed through health issues I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), depression, anxiety, and have been dealing with excruciating joint and bone pain. I truly felt this was the card I was being dealt with and I knew God would eventually heal me one day. So I continued to trek through life in debilitating pain, brain fog and to be honest I have been completely miserable.
In a place of sheer brokenness in 2003, I surrendered my life over to the Lord and He absolutely wasted NO time in beginning to strip off the layers of hurt, rejection, abandonment, self worth and the list goes on and on. I needed healing and more than anything else I wanted to be healed. So I positioned myself daily to receive His anointed healing touch and over time the shattered pieces of my soul began to piece themselves together. His supernatural glue created this unique and beautiful masterpiece that I so fervently prayed for. The so called damaged, unworthy, unnoticed Alison no longer had a void in her life that she needed to fill with “things” because she now had Jesus and the Holy Spirit residing inside of her and she realized her identity was in Him and Him alone.
Fast-forward to three years ago when I was faced with health issues that left me in a place of fighting for my life. With everything going on, several people asked me again if I had breast implants and I said yes. They mentioned how they were hearing how people were having random health issues due to them and although this caught my attention more than it did 17 years ago, I really wasn’t at a place, mentally, physically or emotionally to even think this could be causing the insane health issues I was undergoing.
These past three years have been hard, difficult and needless to say beyond my fighting capabilities. I had to walk blindly in faith, trusting Gods truths, promises and supernatural healing over my life. January 18th of this year I was faced yet again with debilitating health issues that left me fighting for my life once again.
During this time 5 people randomly messaged me within the same week asking, “ Hey can I ask you a question? Were you naturally gifted in the top part of your body or do you have implants?” Obviously my answer was yes. They immediately began talking to me about Breast Implant Illness and how so many people are being faced with random, severe and crazy health issues due to the implants. To give you some facts, there are multiple studies being conducted and implants are being associated with autoimmune disease, rare diseases and several autoimmune cancers. It doesn’t matter if they are silicone or saline but the health conditions being associated with implants left me in jaw dropping disbelief. God finally got my full attention.
When I presented all this to John he was against it all. He was concerned with how I would psychology deal with my body image, considering I had these as a part of my “appearance” for a little bit less than half my life and was terrified I would fall into a deep depression. The more I researched this the more I knew this was something God was leading me to do. One night I pulled up an article of a female that was having similar health issues as myself and how when she removed her implants, let’s just say the heal was real. I called John over to me, had him read the article and from that point forward he was determined to find a surgeon to get these removed ASAP.
Let me start by saying I have never flaunted my boobs, never really talked about them and when asked if I had implants, I was embarrassed to say they weren’t mine. Not sure why, that is just where my mindset was. They have begun to really hurt and honestly I believe God was preparing me as they were just becoming uncomfortable and annoying. These implants were no longer who I was and if they were causing any hint of the illnesses I was encountering, I wanted them out ASAP.
On June 6, 2019, just 9 days ago, I underwent a total encapsulation, en-bloc explant with a lift. I chose my health over my vanity. I chose to fight a body image battle with God that has had me locked up in an emotional prison so I could regain my life back. To be honest, as much as I was scared of what I would look like, it has been so freeing to remove the “weight” of all the insecurities, rejection, poor body image and lies I believed about myself. 9 days ago not only did I remove my implants, God broke off chains that had been holding me hostage and I didn’t even realize this dark prison I was in until I was faced with making this life altering decision. Y’all can I just tell you, GOD IS GOOD.
Gods WORD says He doesn’t give us more than we can handle, but in that overflow of the treacherous storms crashing down upon us, that is when we fall onto our knees in complete surrender to Him. We were never meant to do this journey of life on our own. We were never meant to fight these battles alone and we for sure were never meant to have enough strength to continuously conquer all that is set before us. He is our strength in our weakness and He is a God that reveals, resurrects and redeems it ALL in His timing.
I remember two weeks ago standing in front of the mirror sobbing. I was crying out to God and having this raw honest conversation with Him. Questioning why I ever got these implants in the first place? Why I was so broken that I thought I needed these toxic bags to fill the longing and void I had in my life? Why was I so consumed with my image and what others thought of me and why, just why did I do this to myself? God quickly pressed on my spirit and spoke to my soul. If I never had gotten the implants I would have never gotten sick and In turn I would have never surrendered my life over to Him. So I immediately knew He was speaking to me to surrender this could of should have been mentality over to Him and I needed to let God do what only God could do. I needed to trust in Him and trust in the process. He promises He will use ALL things for His glory and good and although my flesh wishes I could take back time, these past 17 plus years have drawn me closer to Him. I have had to lean into Him, trust Him and I needed to give up my control so He could do a purifying, anointing, healing work in and through me. He was truly all I needed and ALL I had to carry me through. God has taught me some crazy lessons through my process of healing but what I have learned most is that God is enough. End of story!
I am NOT saying all implants cause health issues. I am saying I believe mine were and there is a Facebook sight on here called breast implant illness and healing. Go join the group if this is raising your eyes brows and if you have any questions. You will read testimony after testimony of over 80,000 people around the world that have been dealing with similar things and you will KNOW. TRUST ME.
Honestly if it weren’t for my faith and this BII group I probably would have wound up in a psychiatric ward. They are honest, vulnerable, they share their stories and most people show their progression from pre-surgery to 2 days post op, 2 months post up and 2 years post op. It truly has been my saving grace.
Also Dr. Rai my surgeon has been nothing short of hands down amazing. He is knowledgeable, informative, he takes his time with you, treats you like you are family, is sympathetic and empathetic and he did an amazing job on my boobs. Thank you God.
Since I had my surgery I have been doing amazing, especially since my drains came out on Monday. My body has changed and I am beginning to see myself not through this cloudy and broken lens but through the magnificent eyes of Christ. My body is detoxing from all the toxins from both the implants and all the drugs from the surgery. I have to say I am slowly beginning to love my itty bitties and I am loving the new ME. The scarred up natural ME. He is faithful to the end and I am so thankful He has held my hand, showed me unconditional love and grace and that He has never seen me as anything less then His beautiful beloved daughter.
I cannot sit here and say removing my implants has healed me from all I have faced over the last 5 months, only time can tell in that. But what I can say is all the joint and bone pain is gone. There is a new glow in my face and a new pep in my step. I have been told I am speaking with a courageous and bold confidence and I have more energy then I have had in a LONG time. I feel an indescribable freedom and I feel as though the fire within my soul that has been dimmed out by the fear and the ongoing battle of fighting for my health and life is finally coming back to life.
I feel as though removing my implants was the last piece of the old Alison. The Alison that lacked a fierce and bold confidence in who she was and the Alison that did not know to whom she belonged. There is still a Journey ahead of me, both physically and emotionally but I want to end with this. I am strong and courageous because of whom I am in Christ. I am not defined by my appearance and my boobs do not define me. I have had extreme health issues and I was obedient to what I felt God was leading me to do.
If any of this resonates with you, seek Godly wisdom and do what you feel you are being led to do. My prayer in writing this post and being so transparent and vulnerable is not only to bring awareness to Breast Implant Illness but to emphasize that we are all wrecked to some degree and we all need the healing, redemptive and resurrected love of Jesus. I also am here to let you know that you are beautiful just the way you are. Don’t worry about what others may think, Gods opinion is truly the only one that matters and I can tell you that He thinks you are divinely beautiful. I know this because Scripture says that He knit us together in our mother’s womb. He says that we are fearfully and wonderfully made and that He makes NO mistakes. Do you understand that? You and your body are not a mistake. Take back what the enemy has tried to steal, kill and destroy from your life and trust that He has you and will carry you through. If you have any questions please feel free to call me, message me or email me. I am more than happy to walk you through ALL of this. It’s not an easy decision and the emotions behind it are raw and real. Too many people are silently walking around in pain and it’s time to break the silence and to have a voice. You matter and I love you all deeply. Here for you always and praying you through.