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I have been struggling trying to write this blog post because I honestly do not know where to begin. My heart is filled with sadness and grief and I am just overwhelmed with where my health is. I have taken ten steps backwards and I feel as though I am starting from the beginning with all that is arising and all the testing I am enduring. I am broken, feel discouraged and I honestly just feel ugly because everything inside of me hurts. I feel as though I am being a bad mom and wife because I am not able to provide my family with what they need or want and to be honest I am just tired of not feeling well. I have lost my life as to how I have known it and I so desperately want it back. I was doing so much better and then bam, I am back to square one. I just want to be energized, full of life and I want to be healed from all that I am enduring. I want a pain free, clear minded and vibrant day and all I have had lately are painful debilitating days where I am weak, filled with horrible body pain and honestly depressed. I walk around crying, begging God for a breakthrough, to heal me and to be set free. I want to be normal again, I want to be healed.

So as I am grieving the loss of my health and life as I have known it I want to make one thing clear.  My hope and faith in Jesus has not wavered. I stand firm in who he is and who I am in Him. I am simply grieving a loss. The reality is, it is hard for me to grasp that at 40 years old I am encountering so many health problems, taking so many medications and to be honest I fear what is ahead. However, I will not allow the enemy to strip me of any joy, feed lies into my head and I will not allow satan to win this battle. He can throw as many curve balls as he wants, I will still stand firm in my faith. In fact, all these trials and persecutions I am facing brings me closer to HIS great love for me and it is allowing my family to become stronger and have more faith. As I have stated before, the enemy will not take me down on my watch.  That being said, I believe as a society today we don’t allow ourselves or others time to feel the pain and grieve something that has been a part of us, that is no longer there. As Dr. Terry Wardle states, we need to grieve every loss that we encounter. Whether it be the loss of our favorite pen or a loved one, there is an appropriate grieving that comes with every loss and if we don’t not grieve it, we will tuck it inside and it will manifest into different aspects in our lives. We need to grieve as uncomfortable as it may be to some. It is a necessary step in our healing journey. Grieving doesn’t make you weak and it doesn’t mean you lack faith. It means you are human and you have feelings and emotions and you deeply are saddened by the loss you are facing. It means you are allowing the Lord to work in and through you and it means you don’t want to live in bondage and you want to walk in His glory and love. Grieving is a process and we need to allow God to be God. There is reason and purpose for all that we endure. It may not be what we anticipated or wanted but… We need to surrender our lives to him and allow his mighty work to be done in our lives so that other may come to know HIS great name.

So as I pour my heart and soul out to you, being real with every ounce of my being I am reminded of this beautiful picture my friend Trudy posted the other day. A picture of trees changing seasons, leaves changing colors, some still attached to the branches and some have fallen off. There are branches that are completely bare and some still full of life. But as you look ahead, they begin to come together, hover over the path, A path that is covered in the leaves that have fallen. Some still vibrant in color and some that have lost their shape. They have been walked on, crumbled up and many have withered away but this is what I so love about this amazing masterpiece God has placed before me.

This exquisite picture represents the season of life I am in right now. There is a path that the Lord has paved out for me. A path that I have been walking on for quiet some time now. There have been seasons where this path has been easy to walk and the steps I have taken have been clear and direct. But then there have been seasons where the path I need to travel is covered with things that are shedding from my soul, that I have been holding onto too scared to let them go, and things that the Lord has purified me from. As they have fallen they have lost their shape, changed direction and many have lost their meaning and significance in my life.  As they have fallen onto my path, I am reminded of what once was but no longer is and I am also reminded that I need to keep walking, pressing forward with no hesitation, eyes focused on the Lord and not to look back. There are things that are still attached to me that are changing colors and meaning, parts of me are bare just like some of these branches are. It is a time where things are about to get chilly and real, being stripped of everything I was secure in and a time I need to relay on my faith, hope and trust in the Lord to carry me through the bitter cold days ahead.  But as I look at this picture and how the trees are beginning to lean into one another, hovering over the path I am quickly reminded of Gods unfailing love for me. Even though I may be walking in a desolate time, in a dreary valley, HE is hovering over me, protecting me and he will continue to guide my steps. He will continue to protect me and love me as I lean into him for strength and direction when I am discouraged, weak and fragile. He will comfort me and bring warmth to my soul when I feel as though I am about to break, shatter and crumble into a thousand pieces. He will remind me that He is the vine and I am the branches and as long as I am connected to him I will bear fruit, new leaves will come and I will have new and abundant growth. The rain may fall, the days may be brisk and hard to bare but as long as I am in HIM I will find peace, comfort, love and I will spring up new vibrant leaves in the right season.

I do not know where you are at today in your journey. If you are facing a season of being shredded, purified or if you have lost something very meaningful and dear to you and you are hiding from God, even angry at God or you are too scared to grieve the loss you are facing I am here to tell you this. Don’t be scared. Lean into him and allow Him to comfort you and love on you. Come to him, hands wide open face down on the floor and surrender your life to him and his ways. It is a tough journey to endure and one that I wish I could protect you from but God is God and there is a reason and purpose for all that comes our way. We may not like it but we have a choice to either run from it or run towards him. I plead with you to run towards him. HE is our comforter, our healer, our counselor and HE is the GREAT I AM. He will not leave you hanging out there to get saturated, soaked and he will not allow you to wither away. You may be tested, you may be purified and you may feel as though you cannot take anymore disappointments,  hurts or pain but remember He promises he will not give us more than we can handle. Trust him with your life. Trust him to lead the way and trust that you are just in a season.  Your leaves may fall off and you may be standing there naked, vulnerable and transparent but he will bring forth new leaves that will radiate your healing, trust and faith in HIM. Do not allow the enemy to steal, kill and destroy. Allow Him to bring new life out of a desolate time and allow him to set you free.

Many many blessings to you all. Sending you all big hugs, love and kisses. To HIM be the glory…