For some time now I have been struggling with concept of how deep and wide Gods love is for me. Its been really hard for me to grasp the depth of this love, especially since my own father never truly showed me an unconditional, unfailing, nurturing type of love. His love had restrictions, came with many disappointments and the reality is I was never good enough for him or his love. There was always something I could of or should have done better. So after a lifetime of a distorted view of love, it has been hard for me to actually view Gods love differently than any other love I had ever received. My view of God more often than not reflects the view of my earthy father. Weather I like it or not, the deep hurts and wounds he caused in my soul have left me in a place of continuously carrying this heavy cross of not being able to receive love very well.
Several months ago when I was really questioning love and who truly loved me, while I was putting Jace to bed and praying over him, he rolled over to his side, placed one arm underneath me, wrapped his other arm on top of me, placed his nose right up against my nose, squeezed me and took a deep breath in. He breathed me in in such a way that gave comfort and peace to his little body. As he was exhaling his body went into complete rest and shalom peace and as he melted away into his heavenly dreams my soul suddenly felt an undeniable love. You see, when his nose was up against mine he breathed me in in such a way that he felt safe, secure and as if no one would hurt him because he knew his momma was there and would protect him. He knew at two years old something I struggle with at 40. He knew what it felt like to be loved without boarders, to feel safe and to rest in an undeniable, unfailing love. Although he is only two, He was able to feel the love of his mother and inturn, I was able to embrace the love of the Father. I soaked in the moment and truly felt loved.
That week while in my counseling session I told my counselor about what I had experienced with Jace. How I had loved how he embraced me and how I wish I could be loved like that everyday. She said, isn’t it amazing how God used your son, a two year old to show you his love. Ummm, wow what an incredible revolation. God allowed me to be loved on in such a way that it left a lasting imprint on my soul. He allowed me to be loved in such a way, by my little baby boy, that not only did I have an ah ha moment, but it was a moment that opened my blinded eyes to how deep and wide HIS love is for me. Who knew that this little boy whom I named Jace Daniel (Jace is of Hebrew origin meaning healer and Daniel a prophet in the bible), a little boy whom I claim being a prophetic healer in the kingdom of God, firsts works would be on me? Forever grateful for this miracle and how God is using him already. How blessed am I??
Fast forward several weeks and last night while laying in bed with Jace, cuddling him, praying over him and rubbing his back, I was also praying and asking God what he wanted me to write about. What was it that he wanted to share through me? As I continued praying, I began to inch away from Jace as I felt as though he was sleeping and could make my “escape.” As I slightly moved, he immediately drew in closer to me and grabbed me tight. I then waited several minutes until I felt he was asleep and tried to once again sneak away. As soon as he felt as though I was not near him he popped his head up, drew closer to me and grabbed me even tighter. It was as if he needed me by his side in order to feel safe enough to be completely at rest. This went on for quite some time and then it clicked. God was using Jace to speak his deep love for me into my wounded soul once again.
How I was inching away, sneaking away, distancing myself and trying to make an escape from Jace is in fact exactly what I do with God. When I fear disappointment, getting hurt, or feel unsafe, I inch away, distance myself and more often than not I run from God. It was in the moments of Jace not letting me leave his side that I realized no matter how far I try to “run” from God he doesn’t let me go to far. He immediately leans in closer, draws nearer and holds onto me tighter and tighter, grasping me with his powerful embrace, until I realize HE is there and not letting go. He knows my struggles and He knows that this broken, wounded soul is scared to embrace love in fear of encountering deeper hurts. So he is patient and speaks to me in ways that I will be able to receive HIM. He speaks to me in ways that he knows will have an impact on me and transform me. He speaks in ways that breaks down my walls and allows him in. He speaks to me in child like ways, exactly how he wants us to come to him, he comes to me. LOVE it.
There is a little girl inside of me that so desperately wants her daddy’s love and approval. There is a little girl inside of me that has been deeply wounded by love and is scared to trust the depths of love that God has to offer me. Yet as I sit here and mediate on what God is trying to show me and teach me, as broken and fragile as I feel sometimes, I sit in awe of his faithfulness and goodness. HE has never given up on me and I am thankful that He loves me more than I can possible grasp my mind around. I am thankful that he loves me without boarders and that he continuously pursues me, showing me time and time again how deep, how wide and how long his love is for me. I believe this is a cross that I will bare for the rest of my life. Its an ongoing humbling and healing process I am on but I believe this cross I bare will get lighter and lighter to carry as time heals. However, I am continuously positioning myself before the healing hands of Jesus to not just place a band-aid on the open wound in my heart, but to close it and seal it with with is anointed love.
So I encourage you today to be still enough to hear the whispers of God. We might not understand why we suffer or why we have been afflicted with pain but God can and will heal all the holes in your heart. HE wants to seal them with the blood of Jesus so that you can be set free. He turns ashes into beauty and he restores the broken-hearted. Trust in his love to heal and to reconcile you because HE deeply loves you…