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imageOnce again my beautiful friend posted an incredible picture that captured my eyes and my soul. A picture that was so vivid in color but a picture that spoke so deeply into my soul. When Trudy posted this picture she wrote this quote by Richelle Mead under it,

“Do you think I am pretty?

I think you are beautiful.


You are so beautiful, it hurts sometimes”

I cannot even begin to tell you how that question, “Do you think I am pretty?” was a question that gnawed at my soul for so many years.  A question that for some time defined who I was and a question that I wanted answered,  even if it came from a destructive impure heart. It was a question that a wounded, broken, shattered person “needed” answered in order to feel noticed, valued and wanted but a question that ultimately lead me to unhealthy, hopeless relationships. It was a question that left me in a pit of darkness because I was seeking mans approval of me and it was a question that I believed if answered correctly would heal me from all the “damage” inside.

You see growing up my father was extremely verbally abusive to my mother. For many, I mean many years my father would yell at my mother telling her she was a fat f…ing pig. That she was a worthless piece of shit and that no one loved her and no one would ever love her. That she should go out into the middle of the road and get hit by a car because no one would miss her, that she was better off dead.

Can you imagine how my mother must have felt, but can you imagine how a little girl, tucked in her bed, covers over her head crying, begging God for him to stop felt? I can because that little girl was me. Those horrifying, hurtful, deadly words are words that have played through my head for so many years. Words that I took on, and words that ultimately lead to an inner death inside of me. They were words that were spoken to my mother but words that I allowed to define who I was. For so many years I thought I was ugly, a worthless piece a shit and that life would be better off without me because no one loved me and I felt as if no one could ever love me.

I honestly have to say, I didn’t realize how much the words my father spoke over my mother killed such an innocent part of my soul until I went to Colorado this Fall and I went through some inner healing. There is a section in Dr. Terry Wardle’s seminar where he does something called a body outline and I was asked to demonstrate it in front of the group. In this demonstration you have an outline of your body, then you tape it on a wall and place it eye level in front of you.  You then go before the Lord and ask Him what are some lies that were spoken over you and write it down in blue marker. Then you go before the Lord and ask what lies you spoke over yourself and believed from this and write that down in green marker. Then you go before the Lord and ask him to reveal HIS truth about you and you write that over the lies in red marker. POWERFUL POWERFUL healing takes place through this. But this is what I want to share with you. When I went before the Lord and asked the first lie that was spoken, He revealed it was my father calling my mother a fat f…ing pig. That she was a worthless piece of shit. That she was better off dead and that no one loved her and no one ever will. Then I asked the Lord what lies have I believed from this and then it hit me and I was shattered. For most of my life so many people have told me I am just like my mother. Which I am . She is a very loving, caring, sensitive, empathic person that would give the shirt off of her back if it could help someone else out and put a smile on their face. I honestly have to say I am very much like her in a lot of ways. But what I am trying to convey here is that the enemy allowed me to believe for so so many years that I was “just like her.”. Meaning I believed that everything my father called my mother, that since I was just like her, then I was all of those things. A worthless piece of shit. A fat f…ing pig and that I was better off dead. But then the Lord spoke and said Alison, I so deeply love you and you are beautiful. You are none of those things your father spoke, but you are beautiful and wonderfully made in my image and I am absolutely crazy about you.

WOWZERS is an understatement. I was undone when the Lord revealed this to me and I was a flat out mess. I had taken this lie on. I had allowed it to define me and I allowed it to keep me from seeing who God really created me to be. For so many years I believed I was ugly, I was fat and that I was unlovable. When the bible talks about the power of the tongue, yeah this is it. It brings life and it sure does bring death. That is what my fathers words brought to not only mom, but to me as well and I am sure it has had an impact on my siblings.

So when I saw this picture with that quote I was in awe. You see at the center of the flower is this vibrant yellow color and the yellow coloring seeps through onto the purple peddles. Also, at its center, the flower is sprouting up its seeds. As I sat and meditated on this flower God spoke straight to my heart. I am at the center of you and I seep out into all aspects of your life. The leaves here are different journeys you have walked through and they represent where you have started and where you are heading. They start with me at the center and as they grow, they grow facing up, continuously looking as seeking my face. And at the center where my seeds are growing, thats me growing inside of you, bringing forth new life. My light will be so vibrant that it will cast out the darkness, it will seep out in all aspects of your life so that others will run towards you, wanting what you have. If one of the leaves falls off, you will not be connects to me any longer. I must always be at your center, at your core and I promise I will bring forth the light you need, guiding and directing you even in the darkest of days. This picture so reminds me of the scripture, I am he vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit: apart from me you can do nothing (John 15:5).

Isn’t that the truth. Apart from him I believed and carried these lies around. Apart from him the enemy tried so hard to steal, kill and destroy and apart from him I was not bearing fruit, instead I was dying internally. But when I found him, when I was at the dark night of my soul and when I wanted to be healed he started a great work in me. He purified me, allowed me to grow and mature in him and he allowed me to experience HIM in ways that when truth was reveled, as hard as it may have been to swallow, I knew I could rest in him and his love. Knowing that even if it was heavy and knocked me down for the count, that he would be there to take my hand, walk with me and carry me through the darkest weariest of days and bring me back onto my feet, standing stronger and taller than before.

There has been so much healing in my life and I praise HIM for coming alongside of a damaged, broken person. Loving me in such a way that has brought new life, light and hope in my soul and in a way that I can now receive what he has to say about me. I don’t have to ask the question, “Am I pretty,” because he has spoken straight into my heart, piercing it with his truth and him saying, “you are so beautiful, it hurts sometimes.”

I do not know where you are at today and if you feel as though you are in the desert, feeling as though no one sees you or the pain that you are in. If you feel isolated, depleted and as if you are about to drown in the sea of emotions that has ripped any sense of hope or light that may lie ahead. If you feel unworthy, ugly or undesirable I am here to tell you this truth. God sees you. He sees the beauty within you and he thinks you are so beautiful that it hurts sometimes. Go before him and ask HIM what lies you have believed that have kept you blinded, that have kept you from truly accepting and receiving what he has for you and how he sees you. Allow him in and allow him to do a mighty work in and through you. He wants nothing but the best for you and he wants you to be healed and set free. He wants the veil that is covering your eyes to be lifted so that the distorted view of yourself can now be cleared to see the true beauty within. Stop fighting and surrender. Do you hear that knock at the door? It is Him, allow him in, invite him in and open your heart to him. Be vulnerable and transparent before him and allow him to redeem all that has been damaged, wounded, broken and shattered. Allow him to heal you and set you free. Allow him to love on you in such a way that you feel and embrace the all encompassing, passionate, unfailing love he has for you. Take it from me, when you allow him in and allow him to do only what he can do, the outcome is priceless. You will be speechless and you will be a new creation. Trust, seek and you will find him and he will redeem, restore and he will bring forth new life within you, within the places you thought were dead and places you thought no one would ever love. HE is there and he wants to lavish you with his love. There is hope and there is life within him. Run to Him and he will embrace you like you have never been embraced before and he will NEVER let you go.