Select Page

Tonight John, myself and two friends went to the Hillsong United concert in Dallas Texas. One of our favorite Christian artists because their songs, voices and presence truly position you to enter into His throne room.  What an INCREDIBLE night of worship. Hillsong and Christine Caine rocked the house. WOW WOW WOW.. Those truly are the only words I can say to express the level of healing I received tonight in my soul.  It was Prophetic, healing and brought restoration. So much was revealed and lifted tonight and I can’t wait to start writing about Gods love, mercy, and grace and how through HiM we are cleansed and redeemed.  I am ready to RUN back into HIS arms and run my race.. So so much happened tonight. All I can say is thank you Lord for saving me, loving me and never giving up on me.  Restored, redeemed and set free. I sit here in awe of the majestic power of God

The reality of life for me at this point is that I have allowed a seed of bitterness to root inside of my heart. I have slowly, inch by inch, allowed this seed to fester and grow and really didn’t realize its magnitude until tonight. The more I got hurt, the more I shoved people and life aside. The more I pushed those things aside, the more distant I became in hearing Gods voice. I had allowed so much bitterness to arise in me that today I called a dear friend and told her that I was so tired of being hurt by people and things and that I was DONE. That I was going to seclude myself and go into self protection mode. I was no longer going to allow myself to get hurt, but in doing so, I was hurting myself.

Tonight so much became clear when Christian Caine spoke. First off, if have never heard her speak you are doing yourself a diservice. You NEED to hear her speak. She is profoundly anointed and speaks with authority and conviction. Being in her presence WILL transform you from the inside out. Tonight she spoke on the race that God has placed before us and how we are not running this race alone. That we sometimes need to pass the wand and let someone else take over and sometimes we need to free ourselves from the weights and sins that hold us back from running at our full capacity. This is what truly hit me and honestly broke the chains off my hardened bitter heart.

You see my life has been one disappointment after another. I am not saying I am always disappointed but I can say I have had a rough go of it. As I walked through life I learned how to “deal” with these disappointments but I always found myself getting hurt. Since our BIG move to Dallas three years ago my life has truly been in survival mode. I have experienced so much grief and lose over these past three years that honestly I am surprised I am still alive and persevering. Since moving I no longer have a relationship with my earthly father. In fact I have not spoken to him in over two and a half years. I miscarried twins which just shattered my soul, especially since it was a life long desire to always be a mother of twins. Both of my dogs passed away, my first babies and really the beginning of mine and John’s relationship. The dynamics of relationships with family members have changed, long time friendships have severed and finding where I fit in here in Dallas has been a huge STRUGGLE. I have questioned why I am here, what my purpose was. I have thought about the unthinkable. I have been short tempered with loved ones and I have hardened my heart in such a way that I closed out God in the midst of things.

As much as I know who he is and what he is capable of, I truly have not allowed him to take the baton in the relay race I have been running and I have tried to run it on my own. I have allowed the heaviness of life to weigh me down and the reality is all that it has done is slowed me down. I realized tonight how hardened my heart has truly been and I realized that if I don’t allow God back into my life to repair the wholes in my heart then I won’t be able to shine the light of Christ to so many others in this dark and broken world.

As I worshipped and prayed I realized just how deprived I am been in my thinking. I realized tonight that when I got down to it I was angry with God.  For most of my life, especially these past three years, I have felt unworthy and so ALONE. I was angry at God that he hasn’t provided a person to help me “fix” life. Someone to come alongside of me, walk with me and hold me tight. I was angry that no matter what I turned to or who I turned to I was always disappointed and then tonight it hit me. I don’t and didnt need those “things” to heal me and make me feel better. I needed the healing resurrected, anointed, authoritative power of Christ to rip the chains off me and set me free. I needed to be willing to hear that I was harboring bitterness, unforgiveness and sin in my life that was weighing me down so much that I could hardly stand back up after falling. I didn’t want to be judged and labeled as a defect and was too concerned about what others thought of me. Lets be real and I will lay it out before you. I am a broken, wounded individual that DESPERATELY needs Jesus to carry me through. I am a sinner that will be running the race set before me, trying to purify myself  daily into the image of Christ.  I am an individual that doesn’t need a prescription for depression medication but needs a prescription for the blood of Jesus…

Christine Caine made that analogy this evening. She said that if we are sick we tend to go to the Dr. and get the right prescription of medication to make us well.  But when we are in the midst of sin we tend to deny it because we are ashamed of it and we don’t seek the appropriate medical attention for it. However, if we went to the Dr. he would prescribe us the blood of JESUS  because he is our healing medication. He is the ONLY medication that can make us well. DING DING DING.. is my prescription filled??

Tonight I felt like the prodigal son that was running back home. So much was made clear to me that it put things into prespective and allowed me to say, Here I am Jesus and I am coming back to you. Running as fast as I can and I am praying you have your arms wide open to embrace me because I am coming at you at full speed. I am coming back better then before and I am coming back with the intent to do some damage in the kingdom.  READY? SET? GO..

My prayer tonight for myself and for you is this: Lord, I come to you as a broken wounded individual that desperately needs you in my life to take the lead. I need you to help me in the race I am running and I need you to take the wand from my tight grip,. Help me see the truth in who you are and help me trust you with no boarders. Help me soften my heart towards the hurt and disappointments I have encountered and help me not to harbor feelings of resentment and bitterness. Help me lay down beside quiet waters so you can refill my soul and help me look to you and none else to heal me from the inside out. Your love is unfailing, unshakable and everlasting. Help me be a vessel in your kingdom that isn’t scared of what people think of me but instead be proud that your amazing grace continuously saves me from the ditch of death. Thank you Lord for loving on me in my darkest hours and never giving up on me. Your love, grace and mercy have sustained me and carried me through. Thank you for calling me your daughter and thank you that no matter how far away from you I travel that you don’t allow me to steer to far away. You whisper in my ear, come home my child, sit on my lap and allow me to take my keys to those chains you have been wearing and let me unlock those for you.

I can’t explain to you how grateful I am that God allowed me to be at the right pace at the right time tonight. As tears rolled down my cheeks as Christine Caine proclaimed, HE IS ALIVE, HE IS ALIVE HE IS ALIVE. the truth of that statement instantly pierced through my body and radically changed me. He is ALIVE and is at work. He has not and will not let me sink. He wants me and he wants you to place our eyes on him, to start fresh, and to run the race he has set before us. He wants us to turn to him, seek him and allow him to lead the way. No matter how many times I have tried, I CANNOT do it on my own. I need him, you need him. He is our healer, our counselor, our physician and ultimate judge and He is LOVE. HE is the GREAT I AM and he is the one and only everlasting GOD. Get to know Him, talk to him, invite him in and let his light and his light alone bring you out of darkness. He will be there to catch you when you fall. He will be there to lift you back up and He will lavish you with a love that will radically change you. But are you ready to hear his voice and allow yourself to be loved? I am..