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I think the hardest part about walking out this disease is that I have no control over it. These past few days have been really hard for me as the tremors have started back up, some sporadically and some more continuously. Yesterday, for the first time in months I felt somewhat decent. So I tried to do “normal” mommy things. Well, I quickly learned that at the present time, I cannot do “normal” because “normal” isn’t my “normal.”

Gosh, I am so weary and heartbroken. My body pierces in pain after doing the little things that should be normal to others. Last night I just sobbed and wept and sobbed. I was grieving and I am broken. I am at a loss in what to do and in being this sick all the time, I feel as though I am failing my family. Most of my week I have been in bed unable to do much of anything and for the first time in awhile I “sat” in a chair outside just so I could be with my kids as they played. I just wanted to be in their presence.

It is so easy for me, or should I say for the enemy to grab ahold of me and allow my thought process to go in a downward spiral. It is so easy for my flesh to want to give up and it is so easy to lay here and feel sorry for myself. Truly, these are the battles I face daily. But as I begin my self pity party, the foundation that has been built within me, the truths that I know and I stand firm on, the unfailing love that continues to pour out upon me, well they come flooding in through my soul and I am quickly reminded that the battle that I am facing is a battle of higher powers and that the enemy is working overtime to take me under.

Last night as I was in tremors and sobbing, I shouted out. Do want you want satan, no matter what you “try’ to do to take me down you will not succeed. I will have days and moments of weariness, days in which I am scared and sad but this truth will ALWAYS remain. I serve a God that is bigger and mightier than the afflictions I have and there will be ┬áday of no more pain and true victory. For HE is my strength when I am weak and HE carries me through even in the weariest and darkest of days. I serve a God that goes before me, fights the battles for me and with me and I serve a God that will stop at nothing to show me how deep, wide and how long His love is for me. I serve a God who is faithful and just and no matter what I am facing, no matter how crushed and broken I become, I know He is there holding my hand, uplifting me and refining me through the fire. He promises NEVER to leave me nor forsake me and this I know to be truth. When I feel as though I cannot get out of bed and walk, He gives me the strength to do so. When I feel alone and unloved, He camps His angels around me and sends me worship music, hugs, or a note of encouragement. When I feel as though HE is far away, He shows His face bigger and brighter.

For I do not know what the future holds. There are moments I feel as though my body is deteriorating and I will be in a wheelchair and gosh there are moments I sob and say, “this isn’t how it was suppose to be, This isn’t what I anticipated my life to be or look like.” But here is the truth in all of it. No matter where I go and where life takes me, I will stand firm on who I am and to whom I belong. My faith, trust and hope will not be shattered and it will not waver. For my hope is in the Great I am and He is the ultimate counselor, physician, healer and He is the almighty anointed one that still performs miracles and the one that uses ALL things for His kingdom and His glory. If people come to know Him on deeper more passionate levels, if people want to know who this God is that has been so faithful even through the darkest of days, if people come to know HIS great name through my struggles and pains, well isn’t that what it is all about? Being a faithful servant of God, going out to disciple the nations so that every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that HE is Lord? If I could play a small part in that, if the masses come to know of HIM through my story, well For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain (Phil.1:21)

Not today Satan, Not today. You will not win nor have victory over my life. Jesus is Lord of Lords and King of Kings. He reigns victoriously and we will walk in freedom and victory from this disease, this I know for SURE and through my life, my testimony, my dependance on Christ and through running this race with my head held high, eyes focused on Him running towards the end, He will continuously get my praises, glory and honor. For He is the way, the truth and the light and for me, well there is no other.

You all be blessed today and remember to keep us all in your prayers. Show someone an extra bit of love today. It may be just what they need to carry then through xoxoxo