The past couple of days I have been trying to sit here and write and I truly get writers block. There is so much going on inside and I have not been able to process things out and truly get it down into words. I have woken up for the past few days in tears because my soul aches so deeply and I have been calling out to Jesus to come and rescue me from the dark ditch I seem to have fallen in. So as I attempt to write again, now with a new level of grief, I will try and sum up where I have been, where I am and where I know God is taking me.
The past couple of days have been downright awful for me. I have experienced excruciating pain throughout my body since Saturday and have been battling this pain along with fatigue and horrible brain fog. While dealing with so many ailments with my health it is sometimes hard for me to stay positive in the midst of this battlefield. I don’t have the time to feel sick or just lay in bed, remember I have to be a 100% mommy to three little youngsters that require all of my attention.
After a LONG few days of not only battling health issues but spiritual issues as well, I woke up yesterday morning with my heart just broken and sad. My soul felt depleted and lonely and my heart was crying out in desperation. Achy, hungry, yearning for more, my faith was growing faint. I was yearning for substance, knowing there is more to life than what I am receiving and experiencing right now and yearning for his love and presence to be ever so present. As my soul shriveled up and tears fell from my face I felt helpless and unloved. The path to darkness was quickly approaching and I fell into yet another pity party for myself as I began reliving all the rejection and woe is me situations in my life. I can’t say I was feeling sorry for myself as much as I was just SAD.
As I gathered all the kids up and got in the car, tears rolling down my face, I put the car into reverse and prayed. Lord, help me find peace in the day. Help me find substance, help me find you because I need you Jesus more now than ever. I need your love, I need your strength I just need YOU. Jesus come to my rescue.
And then today happened. I went to the oncologist and got “good” news from my bone marrow biopsy. They reconfirmed the overwhelming mast cell production in my body but they did NOT find any cells that are in mutating form. YAY. However as our conversation progressed the sadness in my heart just grew stronger and stronger. The oncologist told me we will be moving forward and that I will be starting a drug called gleevec, a drug they use to treat leukemia patients with and that I would be on it for the long haul. Ugh my heart sank. Trust me I am praising His high and holy name that this is not mutating and that there is a drug that can possibly help suppress the things that are going crazy in my body, the rapid heart rate (which is still averaging 105-110) and the horrible pain that radiates through my body. YAY YAY YAY. However, I have to be honest and say I am grieving on so many levels. This is NOT what I had planned or expected for my life. It is a lot to take in, I have fear of the unknown along with fear of possible side affects, and fear of what my life will look like in 5,10,20 years from now. Don’t get me wrong I know God can heal but my reality and my flesh FEAR,
Since church on Sunday I have been meditating on the “things” that have knocked my faith down. Things that have kept me from truly grasping and holding onto his love for me. Things that have shattered my view of HIM and shattered my faith, things that have kept me from persevering and I kept coming back to the same things over and over again. Lets just be real here, I have faced so much rejection in my life, rejection from people that are “supposed” to love me and be there for me. A father that could care less that I exist, Family members that have completely shut me out of their lives, written me off, changes in relationships because people don’t stand up for whats right and just, and members who have never taken the time to get to know me, whats going on in my life or even my health situations. You know in Scripture where Jesus asks the man if he is willing to give up everything to follow Him? Yeah well that is me but in reverse. It seems like everything has been taken from me and I am asked, are you ready to follow me???
So along with grieving the loss of my health conditions, my quality of life being “different,” and being on such a strong medicine for the long haul, I am also grieving my usual family drama because my reality is, I just feel alone and I hate it. I feel frustrated, irritated and I feel like screaming. I question, why when I am going through such a rough, hard and emotional time do I have no one. Where are you all? Why God, Why me. All I have is love in my heart for others and why have I been so rejected? Why do I continue to face battle after battle and why is my soul left hanging out to dry when I am saturated, dripping in sorrow? My soul is utterly broken today. I feel like its in a thousand million pieces and I don’t know if I have the energy or strength to try and puzzle it back together. Help me Lord, for I need you Jesus!!
I know there are people that are going through harder more difficult things than I am . I know my disease could be worse and I know I have conquered so many things in my life and this is just another obstacle I am enduring but the pain and fear is real and for just one moment, one day I am allowing myself to grieve so many loses in my life. I am in raw, unedited real mode. If someone were to ask me how I am or how I am feeling they are going to get the purging of my soul. My internal trashcan is just overflowing with loss and today for some reason God is choosing to empty it all out. There is no sugar coating today, there is no fakeness in everything is ok, because today things are NOT ok. That doesn’t mean tomorrow won’t be ok, but today its not. Today I don’t want to hear, well look at the positives, well at least its not …. I get that and I am thankful for that but today, well today is a day I don’t want to hear the noise, I don’t want to hear this will make you stronger, I don’t want to hear God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I don’t want to be told how and what to feel and I don’t want to be social. All I want to do is seclude myself and process what I have been handed and I want to struggle and battle with God. Hear his voice, seek his direction and feel is presence surround my inner most being so I can breathe again, So I can relax and rest and so I can turn my fear into HIS shalom peace.
So as I write about that rawness of my emotions I want you all to know I am ok and will be ok. I am as real as they come and I don’t have time for surface talk or sugar coating things. I think to many people try to play the “I have it all together” card and we don’t hear about the dark, soul searching, soul shaking grief people walk through when their world, their norm, their lives are forever changed. I am getting the pain out, I am lamenting I am taking a deep enough breath to breathe and I am being still enough to allow God to be God. Don’t need a counselor, already have a fabulous one 🙂
So I am going to walk this out with my one and only. My Abba Father, my beginning and my end. I am gonna question things, I am going to be angry, frustrated and mad at times. I am going to withdraw and I am going to be void of emotions at times but I will always choose JOY. I will always seek HIM and I will always choose HIM. I may not be able to grasp my hands around what is going on and I may not understand why but what I do know is that HE knows and understands. I know that as lonely and as dark of a place I may fall, that he will give me all I need and he will reach his hand out so I do not drown. I know that in the desert there is a pruning and purification process and I know that in the desert, as dry, hungry and thirsty as I may get, He is ever present giving me just what I need when I need it. I know he is a God that wants me to grieve and I know he is a God that is weeping with me. I know he is holding my hand, guiding and directing all things and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I did not have him as my Lord and Savior, my father, my healer,comforter and prince of peace I would be lost and probably dead, both physically and spiritually.
For I really do not know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that whatever comes at me I am ready to fight this fight. For I am a conqueror, a child of the one true king and I have not come this far to allow the enemy to have victory. I will have VICTORY in Christ Jesus and in that I find so much peace in comfort. For out of this season of the wilderness there will be great JOY. The journey he has me on is one of trusting him, leaning on him and truly knowing and grasping that HE really is all I need. For that will carry me through and for that I am forever grateful.
Please continue to pray for complete healing and for NO side effects from these new drugs