For some time now I have felt as though I needed to share one of my toughest trials I had faced. It was about three years ago when I miscarried twins and at the time my world was shattered. It was one of the most gut wrenching challenging times in my life and my emotions were raw and real. I was on my knees for days, crying, pleading and begging God to bring me back my babies but there was nothing anyone could do to bring them back. They were gone and a part of my soul died that day. The pain was so immense and deep and it was a pain I pray I never have to relive. As time passed the pain of my loss lessened, but I have to be honest and say I still grieve the loss of these little angels. I praise God that He allowed me to walk though this and I praise HIM that he blessed me with a son shortly after. To think if I would have had the twins, I would have never had my Jace. God works in mysterious ways, ways that take you to the DEPTHS of despair. To places you never thought you could go or feel and then he purifies, restores and redeems ALL things for HIS glory. God is good.
So here it is…
What does trusting in the Lord’s perfect plan look like when you are faced with life altering and devastating news? How does a Christian walk in the hope and faith in Christ when their world has been shattered, and they don’t seem to have enough strength to make it through another day? How do we allow the light of Christ to shine through us when we cant seem to keep our heads above water because we are drowning in our pain? How do we walk in faith and in the truths of God when the silver lining is just so thick?
I am not sure I have those answers and they are questions I have been pondering now since Thursday as I can’t seem to breathe at times because the pain of this loss is so great that I honestly do not know how I am going to make it through another day. I fear falling asleep at night because I dread having to wake up in the morning knowing I will have to face the GIANT one more day and it is another day I am reminded I no longer have my babies. I know the facts, I know the truths but it still doesn’t take away the simple fact of, “I just want my babies back.”
I have to be honest and say that from all the pain and suffering I have encountered throughout my lifetime, this one is the most painful, heartbreaking, soul searching crisis’ I have been through. I cannot put it into words other than this, these babies were a part of me, they were my dream, my hearts desire and they just vanished. I woke up Wednesday morning praying and praising God for the baby in my womb to find out Thursday morning there were two (a dream of mine since I could remember) to then having to say good-bye to them as I flushed them down the toilet. A morbid picture and thought I know but a reality and a visual I cant seem to get out of my mind. I lay in bed crying out to my God, Why me God, Why take both of them and those answers I will never know.
I don’t think I will ever fully understand what has happened to me. I am numb, my heart is shattered and my soul is searching for answers. I often break down into sobbing tears and lose all senses and control of my inner most being. I want to run, I want to hide and honestly I just want something to take away or dull the pain. This is the first time in my life I am not turning to drugs during my suffering to get me through but in fact I am turning to Jesus. I have chosen HIM as my drug this time and although I can “feel” the pain that penetrates every single molecule of my body, and even though this is the weakest I have ever felt, I am strengthened in the Lord and His love and grace for me throughout this entire process.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of darkness I sit and Praise the Lord that He is my rock and my foundation. Since Thursday I have been soaking in His WORD, I have been soaking in His worship and I have been leaning on Him for a supernatural strength to get me through another day. Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed and thankful I have two amazing beautiful children but this cuts me to the core. This has shaken me like nothing I have ever walked through before. I feel as though I am at my lowest point in life and I feel as though nothing besides the light and hope of Christ will get me through this and at times I don’t even think that is possible. I fear John going back to work, I fear being alone, I fear life right now. So many times I felt as though the Lord was telling me to trust Him and now I question that. What was I to trust? I feel like He has abandoned me, I feel as though He has left me in this mess and I don’t know how to get out of it. Help me LORD. PLEASE I am begging you for help. I am sinking and I cant breath. You are the only way I am ever going to get out of this. There is part of me, my flesh part that doubts your trust because I don’t know why you would ever allow this to happen to me. Then the supernatural spiritual side in me kicks in and overshadows the doubt. I just want to run into your arms because I know that you are my refuge, my safe place and my covering. Why am I so conflicted Lord, Why don’t I have answers? Save me Lord. Please save me…
As I walk through what I think is one of the darkest episodes in my journey, I am in continuous prayer that the Lord would not only restore my soul but that He would purify me throughout this process. As much as I know that this isn’t my fault, it is very hard not to take it personal and to try and figure out what I could have done differently when in fact the truth is nothing. However, the reality is this. It is still my body that was not able to carry these babies, it is still my body that rejected these babies and it is still my body that is going through crazy hormonal changes, cramping and bleeding. I don’t mean to sound selfish I am just speaking the truth in which I am lethargically walking through the ditch of this valley.
During my time with the Lord, I have prayed that he would restore my womb and that He would realign and heal anything in there so I could carry another child. I know the chances are slim, but I have also prayed the He would bless us with another set of twins for this concept has been one of the more difficult things for me to swallow. Since I can remember having twins has been a dream of mine. I am not saying it should have been but it was and to see that there was and then there wasn’t is a big obstacle for me to tackle.
So, here are some truths that are carrying me through and that I am reminded of. First, when I have asked the question why me, I quickly here why not you??? If Jesus died the ultimate death for us, why can’t I walk through this trial? I am also reminded of Abraham and his faithfulness and how he was willing to sacrifice Isaac his son to show God that he was willing to do anything and everything for HIM. Well, isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Willingly or not, I have had to sacrifice my babies in order to lean in and draw closer to God. It is not an easy process, in fact it is heart wrenching, but through this I have to honestly say I have never been so close to my ABBA. In hindsight I guess this has been a blessing in disguise because it has brought me to a new level, height and depth with God that I might not have ever been or gotten to.
Throughout this process I have been pretty confident and stood strong on the foundation that I was NOT going to allow the enemy to rob me of my faith, trust and hope in Christ. I was not going to allow fear set in for future babies and I was not going to allow the enemy to tell me this was my fault and that I was not worthy. I know in the depths of my soul that God has mighty and big plans for me and that this does not change that. It shows me that He has something bigger than I had thought and in the midst of my pain, I am able to see that truth.
As my heart continues to break, I know that the light of Christ is piercing through those open wounds and that HE will allow those wounds to be used one day for HIS greater glory. Until then, I will continue to lean and press into HIM because the reality is that HE is my only source of strength right now. He promises me that WHEN I pass through the waters, rivers, fires, that I will not be swept away, burned and that HE will be with me (Isaiah 43). He promises to sustain me, restore my soul and HE promises never to leave me or forsake me. He promises to be close to the brokenhearted and save those crushed in spirit (Psalm 34). He promises to cover me with His feathers and under His wings I will find refuge (Psalm 91). He says that HE hears the cries of our hearts and that when we place our hope in Him we will not be disappointed (Isaiah 49) His words guides me, brings me to light and is a light unto my path in which HE desires me to walk in and thru. I know this is a race I am running and I know that the prize He has for me when I am going to cross the finish line will be more than I could have ever imagined or expected.
I pray that this journal entry, this raw open heartfelt plea in my darkest hour is just what someone needed to read and hear today. Its as real and as raw as it gets and I pray that through my trials and testimony that someone may find peace, healing and restoration in the Lord. Loosing your baby is unfathomable and I cannot even tell you the pain and despair you encounter. I have been blessed with three amazing children but in all honesty I still miss my babies and I cannot wait until I am reunited with them again in heaven. What brings me comfort is knowing they have the best daddy in the world(actually heaven) loving on them and honestly I couldn’t ask for anything better or more. Until I see you angels and we run into each others embrace, remember Mommy loves you..
We might not always understand why things happen and we might not be able to figure out the mysteries of God but what we can figure out is that HE loves and lavishes his children. He allows us to go through certain things in life so that we draw closer to him, become more Christlike and so that we can shout his name and praises and we share our testimonies and how HE carried us through. Trust in him, lean on him and seek him, even if you think he is far away. There is no other strength that can bring you through your most difficult trials. He promises never to leave you nor forsake you. God is good and faithful. He is almighty and All powerful. He heals, he restores, he turns your mourning into dancing and He turns ashes into beauty. He is for you not against you so lean on him for strength, guidance and for is supernatural love. You will not be disappointed. Thank you Lord.. Thank you Lord